I really do love life, I'm just not too good at it

Young, Alive, and Lost and Academia

2011-05-31T21:18:00.002-06:00

I'm in the library finishing my last paper of junior year before I go abroad.
I hate working, I hate staying up late, I hate giving so much of my energy to something that I just don't care about ...

so why do I feel like I'm going to miss this?

♪ Bliss

2011-01-19T20:46:00.002-07:00

It's been an anxiety-filled week, and driving home for 90 minutes in the snow today would have been absolute agony if it were not for : EELS and the excellent work of music that is Tomorrow Morning!

Holy wow!

What a drive that was! How in love I am!

I highly recommend this.

<--- Pretty hot, this one.
<---So romantic to me. How I would love to be "Spectacular Girl."

<---And this -- the epitome of a wonderful day!

Yowza!!

Agony of a Good Song

2011-01-17T14:23:00.002-07:00

There are few things more exciting than finding a really good song. This morning I was browsing through some new titles online and with this one, had to get up from my chair and play air guitar for a while in my kitchen.

It hurts, almost. When a beat or melody pierces in such a way, it's painful to think that every moment of this life is not so musical. In a matter of seconds, the desire arises to be behind a keyboard, a drumset, a guitar -- something (regardless of how well I can play it). It's like I won't be satisfied until I'm in a room with nothing but music, with nobody who's not playing something equally well. Life won't be good enough until I can somehow become music itself.

AAGGHGHGHHGGH. It kills me.

But here's to trying.

♫♪♫

Why I Do This Thing

2009-12-15T22:33:00.002-07:00

Since my freshman year of high school, I've kept fairly dedicated journals. I had a colossal amount of teen angst and heavy destructive crushes, and so writing became the outlet in which to pour out some of my anxiety.

I had an odd inspiration the other day to dig out some of my old notebooks. And I have to say: my younger self has amazed me.

For one thing, my writing several years ago is so much better than I thought it was. Despite the fact that it never really follows any kind of structure or rules, and especially despite the fact that it conveys my embarrassing teenage girl attitude, I find it incredibly moving.

It's pure.
It's honest.
It's flawed and painful and confused, but at times it's some of the most beautiful stuff I've ever read.

Yeah. Arrogant. I know.

But this is why I write.

There's something about sitting down and sorting through your own words that is more truthful and clean than any other kind of communication.

Maybe it's just me. But I have a hard time writing without pouring out a good portion of my soul. And that has just about always been the case.

So much of my teenage ranting was written almost with a sense of shame, a fear that I'd grow up to look back on that writing as something silly and stupid, and that I'd have some crazy urge to destroy and forget it all.

And yeah. There's a lot of insignificant crap in those notebooks.
There's a lot of pain and confusion that I probably could have avoided.

But it's an amazing thing. That writing was probably the most honest and accurate reflection of myself and my thoughts. And no matter what that is, it's going to be beautiful.

I think most human beings have a hard time not absolutely loving sincerity. When I think about the people that I love and respect most, a good number of them aren't particularly very nice or friendly people. Some of them are, in fact, outright assholes most of the time.

But they know who they are. So gosh darn it, they're going to be it.

And that's what I find so shockingly beautiful about my old teen-angst ridden self. I couldn't be anything but that. While sometimes stupid and terribly misguided, it was still something real. Something pure. And like I said -- it's pretty hard not to love something like that.

So it inspires me to keep doing this thing.

I continually say I like to write; and somehow I've earned in my circle of friends the big title of “Writer.”

But here's a secret:
All I do is this journal thing.
That's it.

I take the mess of thought in my head and I throw it down on paper. Then I move on and forget about it.

No cute little stories. No poetry. No fiction.
No published work. Hah.

But somehow, this is enough. The random snippets of excessive thought and emotion are somehow more beautiful than anything I could think of or create on my own.

In most cases, I think truth is the most beautiful, incredible, and astounding thing out there. So it's what I'm going to stick with for now.

The best-selling work of fiction might come later.
(Again, hah.)

What I find especially hopeful is that in another three years I'll look back on my writing of today and be totally amazed again.

Not that I'm discovering all kinds of daily epiphanies or anything.
I just think I'm always going through something amazing.
Always.

Life is like that. It rarely makes any kind of logical sense. We plow through it without any kind of clear idea of where we're going. Through pain and through joy, we keep on doing this, and somehow, in the midst of it all, there is something beautiful.

Unfortunately, that's the best I can try to describe it.
And that simple phrase “Life is beautiful” doesn't quite seem to be enough here.

But it is. Life is beautiful. Despite everything.

I could go on, but I'd run myself into circles. I'm not the best candidate to write philosophical wonderings on life's inherent beauty.

All I know is that it's there.
And it's why I write.

So, like I said: let's keep doing this thing.

:)

Progress

2009-12-08T21:14:00.004-07:00

Okay

...

Have I been really busy since the last time I posted April 20, 2009?

Actually, I kind of have.

And April 20, 2009 feels like it was six lifetimes ago.

There have been a few monumental events.

But for the most part, I've just been doing my thing. Progressing.

I just finished the first quarter of my second year at DU.
My good GPA is sliding quickly away from me. But so far, I'm surviving.

I've been working at a flower shop for over a year but that career started skyrocketing this summer. After months of menial tasks like cleaning buckets and processing flowers, I finally began that terrifying prospect of designing.

I distinctly remember several years ago, in an effort to free myself from helping with arranging flowers at church, explaining that I didn't like flowers, I couldn't make them look good, and I simply had no talent for them whatsoever.

Now, I'm designing for one of the top-rated florists in Denver.
God has a pretty good sense of humor that way.
What's even funnier is, I love it. It's my favorite job so far. It just happened to fall into my lap last summer, and here I am a year and a half later, absolutely loving it.

I'm continually amazed by the way my life progresses.

Somewhere between April 20, 2009 and now, I've been led to a much different standing with faith and God.
It's always been somewhat of a reality, but lately, It's become so much more significant. Much more continually present.
So that's been a milestone.
And in many cases, I feel like I'm viewing the world through a much clearer lens.

So today is a very, very different day than last April.

I still feel a lot of the time that I'm just hanging on to life by my fingernails. I never fully know what's going on, nor do I really have a solid idea where I'm going.
But. I have so much more of a knowledge that someone bigger and better than me is in control of things. That he'll steer me continually in the right direction.

And that's what changes everything.

It's so strange. I've grown up constantly going to church but things have finally started falling into some certain kind of place. I can't write about anything else anymore. When I used to write pages upon about the guys I had crushes on, I'm now writing about my relationship with God.

Maybe that sounds like a tacky thing to say.
But that's okay.
Because this is where I intend on staying.

It is here that life is continually surprising and continually new. Each day holds in itself a new and unique joy.

And so moving forward, while still a precarious thing, is a little less worrisome than before.

Someone bigger than us is, indeed in control.

There is joy to be had for us yet.

Dead Serious

2009-04-20T11:37:00.001-06:00

I am realizing something. Seriousness--dead seriousness--is incredibly scary.

I mean, it actually exists.

Most of the time, I see the world as a pretty entertaining place. I like walking through sunny Denver days, singing to myself. I people watch, smiling at the way humans react with each other. I develop hysterical inside jokes with friends on a daily basis. I take excessively long coffee breaks.

I enjoy life, for a surprising majority of the time. I look at folks who are constantly worried and stressed, and think, God. Please. Chill out.

Maybe they should calm down a little bit. But life is, indeed, slightly more than coffee breaks. In fact, there's a whole hell of a lot going on here.

Recently, I've been trying to wrap my mind around this whole...existence thing.
That's not exactly something I'd advise. I mean, good luck in trying to fit the entire universe into a human mind.

There are so many shockingly important questions out there. What are we doing here? What is the purpose of life? Is there a God? What the hell does he want from us? What was he thinking, making...me? What am I supposed to do with this whole life thing?

The answer isn't exactly found in a cup of coffee.

My typical response to difficult situations is to ignore them--to shrug my shoulders and tell myself that it will all just work itself out eventually.

Here's the cryptic question : Will it?

How to Be a Normal Human Being

2009-03-20T09:38:00.004-06:00

I commented recently, "Sometimes I just step back and look at my life. And then I see that I am so fucked up. I'm eighteen miles away from normal."

I was with one of my best high school friends at a Village Inn at 10PM, sipping coffee and eating breakfast for dinner. He just looked at me and asked, "Well, who's normal?" and I sat there staring at him for a while.

Life isn't exactly about being normal. Or fitting in. There's not a damn person on this earth who 'fits in' with anything, because there's not anything to fit in to! What kind of human should strive to fit into human made standards?

Let's face it: We're all confused. Is there anyone alive who doesn't feel thoroughly lost in at least one aspect of their life? That's what's normal -- nobody is.

A significant part of being human is being clueless. Or confused. Or scared. And yeah, kind of fucked up. I'm pretty sure we're all that way.

And while that's certainly not ideal .. In some strange way, it kind of is. It's one big unifying factor. I suffer. My friends suffer. The guy across the street suffers. There are as many different pains as there are people on this planet, and with that, who can really be "normal?"

There's no solution to this. There's no formula for complete sense, no way of finding instant nirvana. To phrase it simply, shit happens.

But ... it can be comforting to know that every person around you is probably sorting through just as much crap as you are. You're not the only one who isn't normal.

So, maybe we should just disregard the entire concept of normalcy. Maybe the best thing to do is to simply help each other out through the chaos.

Unstoppable

2009-03-15T22:45:00.007-06:00

I'm sure it's normal to pass through phases. A few weeks ago, for instance, I developed a mild obsession with independent coffee houses. I cursed Starbucks for its omnipresence, predictability and infuriating lack of wifi. (though I'm told that it is now available?) So, I found this Denver Coffee House Blog that introduced me to a new, fascinating and independent world of caffeine. I formed a goal of visiting every independent coffee house in Denver. But then I realized that I don't want to travel much further than my local Common Grounds. With late hours, a bustling social atmosphere, free wifi, real dishes and of course GREAT coffee, I give it A-pluses all around. My travelling coffee phase has met a quick end.

Some phases, though, I'm sure will last forever. I mean, once you've discovered the energetic joy that espresso brings, you'll probably never be able to forget it. And I expect to be spending quite a bit more time and money at Common Grounds.

But like my goal to travel the city on a caffeine high, lots of these goals and little obsessions die just as quickly as they began.

I've always loved reading. On most of my school breaks I promise myself that I'll read a few books. I remember carrying home an armful of library books for the Thanksgiving weekend, certain that I'd spend hours immersed in my precious literature. I ended up reading a few chapters.

It's really easy to get these huge blazing ideas, but rarely do I actually follow through with them.
It happens, though. I'm getting better at it. At doing things, I mean. One thing I'm discovering in college is the preciousness of time. There's so much to do that I have no choice but to spend my time doing things.

What's better is, things happen! Friends happen! Fun happens! Fights happen! Life gets hot, life gets cold, but I can't remember the last time I really had a lukewarm moment. It's thrilling.

*****

I started this entry with the intention of writing about music. And ... my words just wouldn't go in that direction. Now I'm staring at a page of these random rantings about coffee and life's temperature?

I confuse myself. But what's cool is, I teach myself when I write. I don't mean to. But sometimes I'll write something down that surprises me. Somehow, I suddenly and randomly write some profound and random little thought that I never knew I had. And then I remember it forever.

It's a win-win-win situation. The phases. The writing. The coffee shops. Life in general. And it just keeps going.

Life Gone Virtual

2009-03-14T00:00:00.004-06:00

I think more than I should about my facebook status line.

When I have random flashes of inspiration throughout the day, I'm often tempted to run to the computer and broadcast my vitally important message to my facebook friends. Then, I have to remind myself that the majority of life -- no, the entirety of it -- lies right before my eyes and not behind my computer screen.

It's kind of sad, actually, that I pick up a good amount of my gossip from what my friends say in these daily, sometimes hourly little sentences on their facebooks.

But it's such a wonderful concept. How did our parents ever cope without it? I have a hard time understanding how they could possibly have led fulfilling young lives without knowing what that one guy from their eighth grade class did last Friday night. And how did they survive without the knowledge that their high school classmate's younger sister believes she has the BESSST MOST AMAZING BOYFRIEND in the ENTIRE WORLD!!!!!?

The internet's a beautiful thing. I just think it's disturbingly easy to hand over all your precious spare hours to looking at photos of distant friends' baby nieces or polishing up your "About Me" section. But maybe that's just me.

But I'll stop myself here. I love the internet way too much to ridicule it any longer. It's difficult to imagine a life without Wikipedia, Mapquest, Pandora, or of course those ingenious little status updates.

I just wonder what the next big thing will be ... When the internet gets old, what will my kids be wondering what I could have ever lived without? I'm almost afraid to find out.

Now You're Really Living

2009-03-01T20:58:00.009-07:00

"I think we're more alive than everybody else," I gasped, through a fit of rampant laughter last Saturday night. My friend Brittany and I were in a McDonald's restaurant, trying to fill up our drinks, but collapsing with laughter instead. She was clutching the edge of the counter for support; I had pressed myself against the wall to keep from falling over. We could barely speak, we were laughing so hard. The reason for such wild hysterics? We'd considered ordering a "kwana-pawna" instead of a quarter pounder.

I'm sure all the restaurant workers were glancing at their watches, begging closing time to come sooner. The rest of our friends were probably sitting in silence at the table, burying their heads in their arms, ashamed to even know us.

As for Brittany and me -- Man, were we alive.

Our relationship has always been more ridiculous than anything. When we're together, we spend most of our time making up really dumb jokes and then convulsing with laughter. It's not that we're terrifically funny people; it's simply that when we're together, everything becomes funny. I can't explain exactly why.

Since we were kids, we've always made total asses of ourselves, from laughing like morons at completely inappropriate times (like during the middle of a really serious church event) to destroying other people's property (like playing "school" and filling an overhead projector with salt. Even though that was mostly you, Brittany).

We've never been anything short of completely and totally alive. This, of course, is oftentimes easier said than done. It's hard to feel things as much as you possibly can. When you laugh louder than anyone in the room you risk being seen as an obnoxious idiot. When your heart has broken, it's difficult to know if you'll ever fully recover.

But regardless, there's something liberating in feeling fully alive. Music sounds better. Writing is deeper. It becomes easier to communicate honestly with other people. You feel things. Whether it's pure pain or pure joy, you're experiencing something true, something real, and there's power in that.

For this reason, I'm grateful for crises, namely because I can look back later and say, "Oh. Good. I went through that." I'm grateful for life's occasional angst and confusion, because that terrible feeling often gives birth to real thought and even inspiration and discovery. It's life at its purest. And, of course, there are plenty of "kwana-pawnas" to enjoy along the way.

"Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough."
--William Saroyan

Spectator of My Own Life

2009-01-26T18:05:00.005-07:00

Random Rantings

Something I’ve kept thinking lately is that life is like a movie—we’re not writing the script so much as watching to see where it goes. There are so many unanswered questions—what is the point of this movie? Will the protagonist achieve her goals? What are the protagonist’s goals, anyways? Does she know what she’s doing? Which relationships are important? Which ones will grow? Which ones will fail? What lies ahead?

Most of the movie’s plotline is shocking and completely unpredictable. I have little control over it. I have a duty to live my own life, but I can only see where I am now; the future is completely invisible and unknown.

I’m thinking about this movie while reading through my old notebooks. Reading this shit is seriously like reading a dramatic teen angst novel. Some of the stuff I’ve written makes me happy, some makes me disgusted with myself, some even makes me cry.

And I’ve got to acknowledge that life is totally arbitrary. There’s no pattern to it. There’s no exact right way to go about doing it.

I find a lot of comfort in acknowledging that I don't know much. There's a lot in life to be surprised by; I think it's great to know that the movie doesn't stop taking twists and turns. Eventually, it should lead to a happy ending.

Back To School

2009-01-06T01:22:00.001-07:00

After six weeks of break, it's bound to be a difficult transition.

One of the most wonderful aspects of DU is its enormous Winter Break. Students are freed from all classes before Thanksgiving and don’t come back until after New Year’s.

Those six weeks flew by much faster than I thought they would. I didn’t write much during that time, mainly because it was so wonderful. See, when I write, it’s mostly because I’m holding in some unbeatable angst or energy. I didn’t have much of that over break, so…why would I write?

I realize that’s a terrible excuse.

Anyways, after weeks of sleeping and reading and holiday parties, I’ve finally had to confront the sad reality that DU does exist. I have to start doing that awful class thing again.

School’s not actually all that bad. The worst part of it is probably just waking up in the morning. Once that’s over, the rest of my day is usually quite nice. But then I have to stay up late reading boring textbooks when I’d rather be watching a movie.

But really, I do have to admit I’m kind of glad to be back in school. It keeps me very busy, and even though I’m easily stressed, I thrive on being busy.

Plus, now I’m out, about, and walking more. Walking across campus, it turns out, does wonders in making me feel less like a worthless fat-ass. With holiday cookies and chocolate lying around everywhere tempting me relentlessly, I’ve been lugging around a depressing amount of holiday weight. So now, I’ve got to say, Thank God for that interminable walk to my car every day. At this point, it’s probably saving my life.

One thing about college though—it still makes me really nervous. I’m an absolute wreck when it comes to meeting new people. Well, actually, meeting them isn’t the problem. Making acquaintances is quite easy. It’s actually liking, and even more so, trusting them that I find to be obscenely difficult.

I’ve discovered that in new groups of people, I become extremely judgmental. I made the assumption today that my professor was inept because she used the words ‘like’ and ‘lovely’ more often than necessary. I also came to the conclusion that I don’t really like white girls (which for me is a completely ridiculous thing to say, for obvious reasons). I was mad at one of my classmates with a tired face and messy hair for being a slob, even when my own hair looked like it had recently survived a tornado or two.

So I’m not exactly the greatest people person. I’d like to become a little more personable around new people, and I may try to do that. It’s just not very easy. I’m a firm believer that the best way to make real friends is to not try to do so – to simply be one’s self. And this is me: sitting in the corner, not wanting to be bothered.

It’s amazing I have any friends at all, isn’t it?

The thing is, I love people (for the most part, anyways). I just have a terrible time interacting with them.

Speechless

2008-12-30T11:54:00.003-07:00

The select few amount of people in this world who can write well make it look so easy. As if writing is nothing more than talking -- Anyone can do it, right?

Well, constructing complete sentences is one thing; making them sound good is another.

I love writing; I think it is the single most beautiful way of expressing oneself. But it's an art--it demands hard work, dedication and thought. I can sometimes do hard work if I really put my mind to it, but thinking is another thing in itself. What a frustration it is to stare at a blank page with nothing running through your head.

I have very loud thoughts and a strong admiration for writing; I know I have something to say. The trouble is knowing how, exactly, to say it.

When Life Sucks...

2008-12-20T22:04:00.002-07:00

Bad Days Happen.

What are humans without heartbreak?
Oh, that's right...happy.

What can I say...I've had a terrible day.
I seriously don't want to post anything whiny or depressing. I'd like to be witty and smart and not completely embarass myself when I write. But if I hold myself to some standard of writing scintillating and satirical stuff all the time...I just won't write at all.

To put things simply, I stumbled into a big wall of emotion a few nights ago. It multiplied itself quickly, leading to an awful screaming mental breakdown last night. Today was thus a painful lonely day where absolutely everything made me want to burst into tears. And there was really not a damn thing I could do about it.

These days happen. Life tastes sweet when they're over. You've got to get through rain to see the rainbow, love the rose despite its thorns, live for the calm after the storm, the dawn after the dark, etcetera, etcetera.

There's really nothing I can do but survive that inevitable heartbreaking emotion. And then write crappy blogs about it.

Making Do Without the Muse

2008-12-13T01:27:00.004-07:00

If only I would simply try...

Oh, I make myself angry sometimes. How long has it been since I've written?
That's disgusting.

I realize, this is the blog of an 18-year-old girl; it's hardly important to anyone but me. But really, it's the only thing I publish. And it's something.

Honestly, I find this so difficult to do. It shouldn't be that hard--making up something interesting about my day and writing a few paragraphs about it. Unfortunately, writing is insanely difficult, especially when it's the last thing in the world I want to do.

But I've been doing it for a while, and, well...why quit? What else can I do, really?

I'm done for tonight. Wish me luck in hunting down that damn inspiration.

Confessions of a Night Owl

2008-12-02T00:29:00.007-07:00

Mornings sure aren't easy.

I have always had a hard time understanding how anyone could classify themself as a "morning person." Night owl that I am, I have a terrible time waking up at any hour before 10 AM. Number one on my list of "Things I Hate About School" has always been getting up early. I've often commented that I wouldn't mind school at all if we could simply start at 2PM and go on until about 8. (Though I'm sure, if that were the case, I would hate school even more.)

Since school let out, I've been sleeping ridiculously. In fact, I'm a little embarrassed to tell you exactly how much. They say the average adult needs eight hours of sleep. And I've read that teenage girls sometimes need ten. I can very easily clock twelve. There was one night, recently, where I slept ten to eleven hours, after which I ate breakfast/lunch (I tend to wake up at about lunchtime but the first meal of the day is called breakfast anyways.), and then went back to my room to sleep for another 3 hours. My Mom came down to my room at about 4:30PM, when I was rolling around happily in that space between sleep and consciousness, and demanded to know if I had been sleeping. (As if it is some sort of unspeakable crime.) I told her, no, I had just been reading, and she went away. (When my Mom asks me what I'm doing, I usually say "nothing" or "reading." I doubt she ever believes me, but for some reason it's better to say that than to admit that I'm sleeping, talking to friends or watching movies.)

I had work at 10AM today, which for most would be a pleasant hour, but which for me has become unspeakably early. I slammed repeatedly on my alarm clock's SNOOZE button this morning (as is my usual custom), and drifted in and out of vivid dreams, thinking, I don't doze...I hibernate.

When it became absolutely too late for me to press SNOOZE again, I threw my covers at the wall and managed, shakily, to stand up.

I bitched and moaned and cursed my way through the morning until I was standing in line at McDonald's, cashing in my coupon for a free breakfast sandwich. (That's what you get when they make you wait 20 minutes for ten little McNuggets and a box of soggy fries.) As I waited for my McGriddle, I looked around the restaurant and noticed that every restaurant customer (besides me, of course), appeared to be over 70 years old. They were all sitting peacefully at their own tables, sipping hot McDonald's coffee over their newspapers and crossword puzzles.

I wanted to sit in the corner and watch them. Oh, I thought, What people watching can be done in the morning! Look what I have been deprived of, all these years!

I've come to the conclusion that mornings hold for me a tranquility and clear sense of mind that I don't find at any other time of day. The hard part is, I've got to tear myself out of bed in order to experience it. I've also discovered that once I get that nasty separation with my bed out of the way, the rest of the day can be quite nice.

P.S. Oh, anonymous blog commenters, how I love you.

Food, Family, and a little bit of Fun

2008-11-27T22:43:00.003-07:00

Thanksgiving Day

I've never particularly enjoyed Thanksgiving. I've always seen it as a uneventful, useless holiday. Everybody gets together and hugs each other and eats, for no reason other than to eat (with, of course, the cover of being thankful).

Sometimes, though, eating and drinking yourself silly with a bunch of strange, even neurotic people, can be such a joy.

We had my Mom's side of the family come over tonight, all of whom are Catholic, conservative, and have several children. Needless to say, we hosted a lot of loud children and talkative grown-ups. It's funny -- I'm eighteen years old and in college and I think my Aunts and Uncles still view me as a little kid. I was sitting with some of them in the family room, and they attempted to cover my ears when they mentioned the "f-word." (They didn't even say it out loud. They just hinted at it.) I think some adults forget that a good percentage of the world's bad language is spoken quite liberally in its high schools. When my aunts and uncles started talking about how they used to lie to their Mom, my aunt tried to shield me from such concepts. "Don't give her any ideas!" she exclaimed in horror. My Uncle, the oldest in my mother's family (I hold a certain respect for firstborns), then came to my rescue, saying, "She's been thinking about this stuff since she was thirteen. She's been doing it for the past 5 years."

It's nice to be treated more like a real human being. I'm not a sheltered youngster who thinks, Sneaking out? Why, who would even DREAM of such things? I'm also not a goth or a gangster, immersed in drugs, sex or crime.

Still, it's difficult sometimes to connect with older people in my family. For most of the Thanksgiving dinner, nobody talked about anything but politics. I'm fairly interested in politics, but not enough to spend all my time talking about what so-and-so said on whatever radio show.

It was nice, then, to spend some time downstairs with the few teenagers in the family. We picked at my brother's guitars, had a fascinating discussion about aliens and other such otherworldly activity, and I dominated at the question game.

Then we watched Wall-E, which was incredibly cute.

All in all, it was a great night. I'm happy to know that, while oftentimes strange and annoying, my family isn't quite as awful as I sometimes imagine them to be.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

Heavier Thoughts

2008-11-26T23:33:00.006-07:00

My mind's stomping around dark alleys tonight.

I don't know why the whole concept of my friends and their romantic relationships gives me headaches. I suppose all it really comes down to is a jealousy thing. How dare any of my friends enjoy other people's company when I'm not doing the same thing? This suggests that I'm a total asshole, and I guess that's true.

I don't know what I expect of people. I'm afraid that many times I hold a mindset of, I can enjoy life, and you can watch me do so. It's disturbing to think that I lead such a self-centered existence, but I'd be lying to say that I didn't.

I don't like to post despairing posts about my character, but I've recently resolved to post every day, and it was either writing this or telling you that I don't like Thanksgiving.

I'll find something funny to say some other time.

Life Was (Is...) Good

2008-11-25T22:22:00.006-07:00

I still miss high school sometimes.

Watching Charlie Bartlett today made me remember high school days. Maybe I'm a broken record when I talk about how wonderful high school was, but I do still miss it.

I experienced a sense of comfortable belonging in high school that I haven't yet encountered in college. Of course, I've only been at DU for 2 1/2 months, and I'm certainly not expecting it to be anything like my high school was. College is full of freedoms and opportunities that high school never offered, and I'm very happy about that. But--I'm sure I've written about this before--I miss my high school community. I was in a graduating class of 55 kids. We were a family, whether we wanted to be or not.

I was reliving some high school memories this morning, and it feels like ages ago that I was sitting in the back row of first period English, laughing with Cindy, Victor and Johnny. It seems that years have passed since I used to write cute notes to my locker-mate on our magnetic dry erase board. It's strange to realize that I once had a life in which I rode the short white Arrupe bus to work every Thursday morning. I used to spend after-school hours in the computer lab, never getting any work done but talking loudly to whoever happened to be in there with me, which usually got me yelled at by supervising teachers. I used to scramble to get all my neglected calculus homework done at 7:30 AM every day in the cafeteria. I used to stomp through school hallways with loud high heel shoes, (Arrupe dress code was such a pain in the ass.) I used to joke and laugh through yearbook meetings, then spend hours alone after school trying to create perfect photo pages. What a life that was. I don't miss it too terribly, though it would be nice to relive it for a day or two.

By the time I was a senior, I was really comfortable in school. I was usually happy hanging out anywhere -- in the computer lab, cafeteria, front lobby, gym, or front steps. I could always find someone to talk to. Arrupe was small enough that everybody knew everybody.

But there are no "front steps" at DU. It's a very different environment. I'm happy to be there, but I still miss my comfort zone. Arrupe was my second home; it held a certain warmth, even a certain smell that I miss.

But life changes, not necessarily for the better or worse; it just changes. There's no need to lug around 3 tons of nostalgia when life is just as interesting today as it was six months ago.

But sometimes it's just so nice to remember things...

Do You Mean to Tell Me I'm a Muggle?

2008-11-24T23:16:00.005-07:00

The Time Traveler's Wife

This book has been astounding. This is the kind of book that I can't wait to get home to. It is, so far, one of the most fascinating and convincing love stories I have ever read. I wouldn't classify it as chick lit, though I'm sure most of its readers are women. We females just eat this stuff up.

Reading love stories, though, makes me wonder how fictional love really is. I risk sounding like a sentimental little girl here, but reading books like this makes me wish I could know someone so perfect as the man described on the page. I realize this is an impossibility, seeing that my future husband has never traveled back in time to meet me. (Read the book, and you will understand.) Even so, I can't help but think, Damn. That would sure be awesome.

I'm really no better than the broken-hearted Harry Potter fans who never receive Hogwarts letters--those children who, upon turning eleven, have to confront the sad reality that they are muggles.

It's frustrating sometimes, to be only human, when the people you are reading about are so much more.

I don't have much of a solution for this, other than to say, "Real life is interesting, anyways." While good fiction is fascinating, one must never forget that it is always based on reality -- which is, in fact, exactly what makes that fiction so good. No matter how structured the plotline, no matter how developed the characters, the story is pointless if it does not reflect reality. If the reader cannot somehow link the story to the world he lives in, the story will be neither interesting nor meaningful. If good fiction is based on reality, and if that good fiction inspires and astounds us, should we not assume that reality can do the same?

There is hope for us yet.

Nice to Meet You...Maybe?

2008-11-23T23:19:00.002-07:00

Being judgmental just never serves me well.

I was thinking the other day about my first impressions; they seem, oftentimes, to be wildly inaccurate. When I think of the people I love most in the world, I realize that I thought most of them were kind of weird when I first met them. The first time I talked to my now best friend, many years ago, I was really annoyed with how she wouldn't leave me alone; I was just trying to get my third grade homework done, and she wouldn't stop babbling to me about all the boys in her class. Years later, I began to love her, and we spent hours together talking, mostly about boys. I'm glad, at age 18, we're finally growing out of our boy craziness (though of course not yet entirely), but I'm gladder still that we grow continually closer.

In another instance, I first met one of my eighth grade younger brother's friends a year or two ago. He struck me as an annoying, obnoxious little kid. He was that weird little person I drove home from basketball practice that one time. And then, quite recently, I began, a little bit, to actually know him. He's one of the sweetest kids I've ever met--the kind of kid that makes my heart melt, the kind of kid that gives me hope that I may actually like kids.

My point is, there's no use in form an opinion of someone that you haven't discovered much about. Humans are complex; there is no way of knowing them at first glance. There's no telling when a person you've never cared about could suddenly become an important figure in your life. There's just no way of looking at someone and knowing just how much they might come to mean to you.

Life is a surprise this way, which makes it all the more enjoyable.

Library Slave

2008-11-22T22:37:00.006-07:00

I admit, I'm a bit of a book nerd.

I've always held a special place in my heart for the library. In high school, I'd beg my Mom several times a week to stop at the library on the way home after school so I could run in and pick up my hold items. "You just went to the library on Monday!" she would exclaim.
"I know. And now it's Wednesday!" I would tell her.
"I don't understand why you're such a slave to the library," she'd reply, pulling over begrudgingly to the side of the street so I could sprint in to pick up another book or set of music CD's.

I still find the libraries to be some of the most comforting and inspiring places on earth. They are so much better than bookstores, in that all their services are free. I can read, watch and listen to whatever I want, for absolutely no cost, plus fines. (Unfortunately, fines have been kicking my ass for years. I'd rather not think of the amount of money I've lost due to my inability to find books and give them back on time.)

I recently discovered a beautiful library with a large music and movie collection, a café, and a used bookstore. I wouldn't typically care about the bookstore... but paperbacks are only one dollar!! You would think that these one dollar paperbacks would be the kind of crappy thrift store books that were printed 60 years ago and have since been dropped in toilets or eaten by pet dogs. These books, however, are in perfect condition. Not only that, they are good books. I bought The Time Traveller's Wife today, which I am so excited about. This book has been on many national bestselling lists, and I've been wanting to get to it for months.

Of course, these days, being a bestseller doesn't guarantee good value. I'm still having a hard time understanding why the Twilight series is so popular. I've read one Twilight book--the first one--and I don't think I want to read anything like it ever again. I believe in real romance; I don't want to feel dizzy over Edward Cullen just because he's a vampire and because he's hot. I really don't see much more to Twilight than that--sexy , sparkling vampires. If that's what you like, if you're willing to give up reading good writing or substantial plotline for that, then I guess I can't stop you.
Of course, Edward Cullen drives a Volvo, which does make him pretty cool. (Have I mentioned that I am now the proud driver of a '99 Volvo S7O?) ;)

In my ongoing library ventures, I hope to discover more literary gems, such as Douglas Adams's Hitchhiker's Guide or David Sedaris's witty anecdotes. (Like right now, I'm reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, and it is AMAZING!) I will, undoubtedly, encounter many more Twilights, but that's a risk I am more than willing to take. :)

A Little Bit of Love for Humanity

2008-11-21T23:50:00.003-07:00

Thought of the day: 8th grade basketball games.

As I'm sitting in crowded, parent-filled bleachers at interminable grade school basketball games, every sentence that runs through my head seems absolutely genius, a scintillating gem of wit that I just have to release into the world.

Okay, well, maybe it's not that wonderful. But I do enjoy those moments where everything I think seems smart and funny. It good be a good sense of humor, it could be awesome creativity, but it could, of course, just be mild insanity.

What I find funny, though, is 8th grade basketball games. Tonight I played chauffeur for a handful of middle school athletes. (That kind of stuff just happens when your family owns a 12-passenger van.) I sat through their games, watching the parents and coaches jump and yell about the 5-foot boys stomping their way around the court. There was a grandma next to me videotaping the entire game. I wonder--is she really going to watch it again later?

But I must admit, some of those boys were amazing. 8th grade boys can be cooler than I thought.
That's a weird thing to say.

I don't understand this, but I have a place in my heart for younger children. Especially for middle schoolers, for those pubescent kids for whom life seems to suck ALL THE TIME. I'm surprised by this; I'm not a huge fan of kids, especially of preteens. 12-14 were some of the worst years of my life...and yet I find that I can really feel for kids that age.

...I don't know where I'm going with that.

That's enough for tonight.

You see what I mean about never having anything to say?

It's always nice to get a little love...

2008-11-21T00:56:00.005-07:00

Anonymous blog comments sure make me happy.

I never mind being told that I look good, that I'm funny, or that I sing well. (I am not, of course, told that very often, but nevertheless, it's nice.) But when I hear that somebody enjoyed something that I wrote, I feel accomplished.

My new anonymous blog comment has just inspired another blog post. Thank you!

I don't generally like to write long posts about writing, but all too often, when I sit down to write, that's all that's in my head. Ideally, I'd have a brilliant idea or hilarious story for every night of the year. But most days, I have a really hard time finding something to say.

I suppose I could write blogs like, "Wow, guys. I sat at a lot of red lights today." Or, "This homework is so hard!! Damn this homework!"

Unfortunately, that's all I can really think to say.

It's not that nothing has been happening for me. In fact, I've experienced more precariousness and excitement in these past few months than ever before. I'm hesitant, though, to throw such personal things into cyberspace. And the last thing I want this blog to be is a "Dear Diary." I have other notebooks for that.

I guess I could tell you about how my first quarter at DU has been--good, I guess. But in all honesty, my classes weren't especially enlightening. I took one freshman seminar class, theatre-based, in which I wrote and performed a ten minute solo piece. That was my one good class--it was challenging, a lot of work and at times a pain in the ass, but I accomplished something. I was amazed to discover that I could write, memorize and perform, while making people laugh in the process.

My other classes--Honors Literature, Intro to Creative Writing, and Foundations in Music--weren't as great. Creative Writing was okay, in that I got to write and actually came up with some interesting stuff. But I was disappointed to discover that in the creative writing world, anything is acceptable. I learned nothing in that class about what distinguishes good writing from bad writing. Instead, I was encouraged to write silly writing prompts like, "What does this picture look like?" or "Write from the perspective of a shark." I participated in these prompts, managing on some occasions to produce a semi-interesting piece of writing, but then all I did with that was announce to my classmates, "This assignment was weird for me, because I generally don't consider copying sentences out of a textbook to be real writing (And yes, that was an actual assignment), but this is what I wrote."

That was just about all that happened in that class. And this blog is boring enough already--I won't go into detail about the other two.

All ranting set aside, though, DU has been okay. I'm still figuring out whether I like it or not. There are good days and bad days, new friends and creepy psychopaths. It's all falling into place quite nicely, though.

I'd promise to keep you posted, but I know I would be lying. Nobody really cares about DU that much.

Some days, though, that's just all there is to say.

A Small Truth

2008-11-02T01:03:00.003-06:00

One thing I've discovered about honesty is that it really pisses people off.

I suppose an important life skill to have would be to know exactly what to say, when to say it, and how exactly to say it in order to not offend anyone. Then again, living like that would be a bit ridiculous. In fact, there's probably something really wrong if everybody likes you.

Take Jesus, for instance. He was the only perfect person ever to have set foot on earth, and most everybody ended up hating him.

The long and short of what I am trying to say is: Life is confusing; Humanity doubly so.

But what would life be without all the weird stuff? It wouldn't be much, that's for certain.

Goodnight, readers.

I just can't write today.

2008-10-27T22:58:00.004-06:00

My mind has leaped off a cliff.

Therefore: A couple of quotations instead of writing.
Because I don't want to go to bed without writing something.
And I certainly don't want to do my homework.

"We are healed of a suffering only by expressing it to the full."
--Michael Proust

"The heart was made to be broken."
--Oscar Wilde

"Where there is love, there is pain."
--Spanish proverb

"People have to really suffer before they can risk doing what they really love."
--Chuck Palahniuk

"Suffering is the true cement of love."
--Paul Sabatier

"The lower you fall, the higher you'll fly."
--Chuck Palahniuk

"We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action."
--Frank Tibbolt

"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
--Henry David Thoreau

"Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real."
--Iris Murdoch

"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation."
--George Bernard Shaw

"The future ain't what it used to be."
--Yogi Berra

Why I Suck at College

2008-10-26T23:44:00.005-06:00

Oh, Academia...

College so far isn't particularly difficult. But I am certainly annoyed by some of it.

My creative writing class, for instance, is kind of ridiculous. I've been hinting at majoring in creative writing, though I'm not sure how good of a fit it is for me. For one thing, I usually hate poetry. I see poetry as some awful form of writing that purposefully butchers the English language and stretches metaphor to a truly agonizing level. Call me stuck up, but if one wants to write well, I think they should get a good handle on their prose. But of course that's just me. Every other English major I've met seems to be crazy about poetry. That is to say, they can write whatever the hell they want, chop it up with stanzas and line breaks, eliminate the punctuation, and call it art. I don't particularly agree with that.

I'm not sure if creative writing is my ideal major, because in all honesty, I'm not very gifted when it comes to the creativity department. I realize that could be a significant problem for a writer. How can I get anywhere with my writing if I can't make up cool stuff? The fact of the matter is, though, I don't want to make anything up. Ever since I started writing, I've been writing only of reality. I guess it goes to show how arrogant I am, because everything I've ever written has been factual events and emotion of my own life. I'm not really sure how to write anything else. Even when I'm forced to write fiction, I end up writing about my own life, just with different names.

But I want to think that's a good thing. If I don't write what I know and feel, what the hell am I supposed to write?

I'm really not sure that I belong in academia. I like college, but I hate class. I loved my past two years of high school, but I always hated the 65 minute class periods. It's funny that I have always wanted to be a teacher. I wonder -- will I end up loving my job but hating class? Is that possible?

I suppose one reason I want to teach is to create a classroom that doesn't suck so much. Class doesn't have to be the academic equivalent of hell. I know this because I have had a few teachers and classes that I like. I've encountered four or five teachers that I have adored very much. Those teachers are certainly few and far between, but there is no reason that I should not strive to emulate them and inspire others in the way that they have inspired me. For years, I have felt compelled to be a good teacher. I'd like to be able to beat around academia's bullshit and be able to affect and inspire others in a unique way. More importantly, I'd like to someday treat students as humans and not as maggots. This is why I'm deciding to drag myself through college.

I'm not on a quest to learn everything there is about this world. That's impossible, and frankly, who cares about it? I guess what I'm fascinated by is humanity. Teaching is one of the best ways I can think of to dive right into it.

It shouldn't be right, but it is.

2008-10-20T02:06:00.003-06:00

Most of Denver is sleeping right now.

Why is it that the only time I really want to write is at 2 in the morning on a night before an 8 A.M. class? I suppose I'm so attracted to this unearthly hour because while the rest of my world is unconscious, I am wide awake and caffeinated, accomplishing productive tasks like laundry and CD burning. And blogging. There is something so brilliantly rebellious, exciting and independent about staying up this late doing little things that I want to do. My siblings are not screaming or stampeding through the house. My mother is not nagging me to get off the computer and do something useful. Nobody is calling, texting or IMing me to carry on long conversations about nothing. I am filled with caramel-flavored coffee joy. This is a perfect moment of the night. It almost doesn't matter how miserable I might feel tomorrow morning.

An Endless Habit

2008-10-16T00:39:00.003-06:00

Oh, Yeeeah!

This is why I don't blog very often. Because it sucks! After a day of class and homework and driving all around town, it just doesn't seem like a lot of fun to sit in front of my computer at one in the morning to start writing. And then, for some reason, I end up enjoying myself.

The reason I keep a blog is this: I can never stop writing. At this point, I simply can't let myself. Not only is there not much else I can do, I love writing so much that all other crafts seem pretty lame in comparison.

I'm very happy today about my writing. Last week, I was up until two or three in the morning writing a ten minute solo performance for my theatre class. It was one of those writing pieces that I had been dreading for weeks in advance. I wished I could have signed up for one of those boring classes where you didn't have to do intense stuff like that.

Of course, that class and that writing are very important for me. So of course I despise them.

But I wrote the piece. I've performed drafts of it twice in front of my teacher, and today he complimented my writing more than I could have ever begun to hope for Then he told me seriously never to stop writing.

This makes me so happy. And I certainly plan on never, ever quitting.

Do You Mean to Tell Me She's NOT Dead???

2008-10-14T23:41:00.003-06:00

Quite sadly, I've been absent lately.

I don't have any excuses. I give up on excuses. Nobody gets anywhere on excuses.
Okay, so maybe they do...

Bad introduction. The point is, I haven't been writing. I haven't been blogging, I haven't been journaling, I haven't been doing much of anything that involves writing at all.

I can't explain this phenomenon. Change, maybe? Because quite a few things have changed. Well, one thing is changed. And that is the fact that I am now a college student.

You may be asking, "Wow, how has your first month at DU been?"
You know what, I don't really know.
It's been good.
It's been a lot of things.
It is a lot of CRAZY and DIFFERENT things every day.
I can say that overall it is a positive experience.

I am making some friends. I am not making an entire army of pals, but I have met a few people that I genuinely like. I'm happy about that.

My classes are interesting. There are some WEIRD ASS people here.
Enough said.

I will get into specifics later, when I write more blog posts. And I promise I will do that.
And it's not even for you, it's for me. But you're welcome to come along for the ride.

Shout-Out!

2008-08-30T18:47:00.006-06:00

To my blog commenter...

I had a blog comment!

Whimsy said...

What a fun and well written blog! I just stumbled across it and found it supremely entertaining. You are a gifted writer, Emily. Let us know how you're going in your freshman year at DU. Might need to re-think the living at home though. College dormitory living is a unique experience like none other in your life. Buena suerte and best wishes,
Whimsy

To Whimsy...whoever you are...Thank you for the love! It's obvious I haven't been writing. I could say I've been really busy but I'm not that cool. This has been a strange summer, to say the least. I graduated high school (a harder event for me than for most), worked many stressful hours at an understaffed travel agency, spent two and a half glorious weeks in Hawaii and Australia (which I would write about if I didn't have severe laziness), and am now spending a lot of time at home, clueless as to what my future looks like. This summer has had some severe highs and severe lows, and it's a shame that I haven't been writing about them. Your kind words, however, are a strong encouragement and inspiration to me to continue to put words on paper, no matter how futile the task may seem. In all honesty, I don't really know what else I'd want to do.

I start college orientation tomorrow...Here begins the end of life as I know it. Is that melodramatic? Maybe. But this feels huge for me. I have absolutely no idea at this point what my future holds. I must say, though, that I'm excited for it. I just hope I don't get too disappointed.

I'll keep you posted.

Thoughtful Q&A

2008-06-30T22:51:00.005-06:00

Posting for the Sake of Posting

23 Deep Questions...

1) What is more difficult for you; looking into some one's eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into some one's eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
The latter

2) Think of the last time you were REALLY angry.

Sunday morning I was shaking in anger and could barely breathe. Parent issues.

3) You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane.

Panic.

4) You are at the doctor's office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one week to live.

(A) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die?
First, I panic. And then, yes. Then I panic some more
(B) What do you do with your remaining days?
Panic!!
(C) Would you be afraid?
absolutely!

5) You can have one of the following two things: trust/love.

Fun is more attractive than stability. Love! According to my definition of love, it doesn't exist without trust anyways.

6) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street.
If the canal's shallow enough, I'd save it. But I would never risk my life for a dog.

7)Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired, What do you do?
Become very dedicated to being ten minutes early to work every day. Shortly after that, I would sleep through my alarm clock again and if I didn't have a soft-hearted boss, I'd be out of a job.

8) If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Cieza, Spain, of course!

8) Who's the last person who you really knew that died?
My grandma

(A) You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life.

Would you?
um...no. That sounds mean, but they'd spend that hour of their life in pain in a hospital bed. Come on.

9) Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
I've been wondring that for a while. I don't know. I think I would actually really clash with myself. We both have a desperate urge for dominance and for being somehow different or better than everyone else around, so we'd have quite a time getting along. Plus we'd end up liking the same guys at the same time, which would doubtlessly hurt very badly for the both of us. And because we'd both pride ourselves on our unique red hair, we'd be furious to see the exact same shade on someone else's head. So no, I'm sorry to say, I think I would hate myself.

10) Your best friend(s) dies, what would you do?
I would most certainly panic.

11) When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
hmmm...last Sunday, maybe. Lately, telling some people what I truly think would cause quite a bit of trouble. It's better, sometimes, I think to keep my mouth shut.

12) What would be harder, for you to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
Telling them I love them. I've done the latter a few times already. The former...impossibly hard for me.

13) Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Yesterday. My previous answer is not applicable to saying "I love you" to my girlfriends.

14) If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had "no regrets" what would it be?
Well, gosh. I wouldn't change anything huge, because I have no desire to alter things from the way they are know. But I might have tried to hold back less from my friends in Spain. I only spent 6 days with them, and even that was two years ago, but I haven't forgotten them since.

15) Imagine: It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear some one walking around out side; Who do you call?
I'd be too damn panicked to call anyone.

16) Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
I would if I knew CPR...

17) Are you old fashioned?
I guess not because I got in this heated discussion with my mother today about how I don't know how to sew, and how I have absolutely no desire to ever even learn how to sew. So of course I'm not old fashioned. I'm blogging, for goodness' sakes.

18) Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?
Unfortunately, the path of the heartbreak would probably lead to some really soul-scarring writing. And I mean that in the best way possible. Never loving is like living life not ever fully awake...I most certainly wouldn't choose that. Love is a bitch, but hey, it sure makes you feel alive.

19) If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would you do?
I don't really get the difference. And I don't want to sit around wishing for my fairy godmother to bring me my beautiful princess dress and glass slippers, so...whatever. I'm ignoring this question.

20) Think of everyone you know, would you prefer to only have never met one of them or to lose them all but one?
That is one of the most awkwardly phrased questions I have ever read. I don't even want to think about it.

21) Have you ever truly experienced love?
After a lot of that, yes, I'm pretty sure I have. It was a lot more angst than fun.

22) What hurts you the most emotionally, when you let yourself down or when you let the ones you care about down?
The latter.

23) Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to, whether you love them or not, they will just always be in the back of your mind?
Possibly. But time heals just about all stuff like that.

First Monday of My No-More-High-School Summer

2008-06-09T23:33:00.003-06:00

Lame? Maybe.

Well, damn. This is how my first official day of summer is going: sleeping in and wondering what the fuck I am going to do today, but hoping that whatever it is, it will be productive. Then I think about the high school yearbook that I have to finish creating, even though I graduated three days ago. I scoff at myself for being so pathetic, but I actually kind of look forward to going to school to work on it. My Mom comes downstairs and is completely incredulous that I am still in bed at ten thirty in the morning, even though I’ve slept at least that late on just about every single day off I’ve had in the past four years. Much later, I finally pull myself out of my bed, telling myself that even though it is summer and I don’t yet have a job, I’ve got to do something productive, god damn it, else I get wildly depressed. I start getting ready, then my Mom’s downstairs again (she’s got this awful habit of popping in and out of my bedroom every morning) telling me I need to get upstairs and start cleaning something.

Sigh…

So I end up procrastinating and cleaning the kitchen about 2 hours later, at which point my mother has become very angry at me for being so damn lazy and slow. Then I get annoyed and spend the rest of the afternoon hating my house and everyone in it. (Okay, a little extreme, I know. I’d say as a teenager, I’m still entitled to a little angst, but in all honesty, I’m really not. No matter how old I am, life is way too short for me to be hating it.)

After I finally clean the kitchen, I finish getting ready, taking the time to curl my hair because I actually have the time. Then I get a ride from my Mom to the high school I’ve just graduated from. (If any written sentence shows how much of a loser I am, that one wins hands down.) And what do I discover but that my magnificent yearbook staff (which includes three people besides myself, most of whom rarely actually work on the yearbook) isn’t even staying after school. Oh, wonderful. So I showed up to school for nothing.

I leave, feeling mildly depressed, because damn, what am I going to do now? And what the hell am I going to do with the rest of this aimless summer? I am going to go to college next year, and Oh My Dear God, my life is going to suck from this point onwards.

At that point, I decide that I need to get out. Do something besides staying at home feeling like a loser.

So here I am at a coffee shop recounting my nothing of a day! Here’s my new solution to life’s problems--coffee shops and laptops. Together. Writing, caffeine, and getting the hell out of my house can almost always improve my mood, no matter how shitty it is. Few things make me feel more confident and hopeful about life than a good strong coffee and my own [attempt at] dexterous use of the English language.

*****

Now I’m thinking about going out to buy a new ipod tonight. Is making this sudden decision to go and spend 300 dollars a bad idea? You bet it is. But guess what? I’ve got a lot of graduation money and a new checking account. So, new ipod it is! I’ve got a pink 4GB ipod nano right now. But there are two things wrong with it: One, it’s pink, and two, it’s only 4GB. This holds not-even-one-quarter of my music collection. I’m making a really solid effort to further develop my musical taste, and this cute little ipod nano has been wonderful, but it just isn’t doing enough to help me. So I’ve been dreaming lately about a solid black 80GB.

Let’s see how soon I regret buying it.

*****

Damn it all. I was supposed to be spending this time at Starbuck’s writing an article for the senior yearbook pages. It’s proving to be a lot more difficult than I thought. So this is why writers talk so much about staring blankly at their computer screens. I’m finding out that that it is quite an awful feeling. It’s easy to write, but writing well is something entirely different. And this Class of 2008 article has got to kick ass.

I think I’m going to need a lot more caffeine.

Wish me luck. I’ll post it when I’m done.

Benefits of Total Bedlam

2008-05-29T18:03:00.006-06:00

It's a crazy time of year.

I'm almost done with high school. I still find this to be pretty unbelievable. I don't have too much time, though, to dwell on this mind-boggling fact, because I'm caught up in the chaos of finals week. The past four exams have led me into mental exhaustion; staying up till 4 AM last night also led me to feel slightly...insane. I've been walking around like a dazed lunatic for the past 48 hours or so.

I was amazed, however, as I was cranking out skillfully written (or cleverly BS'd...same thing, right?) in-class essays for my theology exam. Somehow, miraculously, even under the influence of only two and a half hours of anxious sleep, I was coming up with perfect words. It was like suddenly I knew how to write without even trying.

I therefore came to the conclusion that my writing ability is inversely proportionate to my sanity. When I experience mental calm, composure, and levelheadedness, I cannot write very easily, nor do I want to. But, on the other hand, when my head feels like it is going to crack in two, and when I can't seem to do anything but stumble through my day like a drunken idiot, I don't want to do anything but write. For some reason, when I feel like I've lost hold of all tangible logic, I am much more able to find the right words. They drop perfectly into my mind like missing puzzle pieces that while feeling okay, I can never seem to find.

So, I developed the following formula:

Brilliant, right?

What can I conclude from all of this? Well, I think that pure chaos is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. In fact, sometimes it is even kind of fun.

Fortunately (well kind of), my life (mainly because I lead it) is insane for a good majority of the time. Who needs sanity, anyways?

Where the hell is the sun??

2008-05-26T23:25:00.007-06:00

Everything is so awful today.

I hate rainy days. There are few things in this life that I find more woeful a cold, achey, wet dark day. Days like this, I wake up and can tell it's gross outside before I even get out of bed to look out the window. The rain, dark and misery somehow seep into my bones and destroy my mental state from dawn till dusk.

Today was one of those days.

So what did I do? I moped around. A lot. I think my Mom thought I was dying. I wasn't. I wasn't even sick...just abnormally dejected. And I'm blaming the weather. This wretched weather combined with the stress of upcoming finals and all the worry about finishing the school yearbook has made for a very wearisome day.

I tried to get some stuff done. I have enough work to keep me mind-numbingly busy until I graduate. Unfortunately, it was unspeakably difficult to start doing anything. I just couldn't bring myself to focus. I couldn't bring myself to do much of anything at all besides drag myself worthlessly around the house.

I thought today was going to be a strong and productive study day. But instead of trying to memorize key terms for my civil law exams, I did this:

I tore apart my English books. What you see there is 2 1/2 books worth of notes. You'll notice that I'm a very organized person.
Ha ha.

I wish I could have done something more worthwhile today than create a colorful post-it explosion on my desk. It is cool...kind of pretty, actually. I'm just not sure that it's all that worthwhile in helping me avoid painful late-night finals cramming. I'm not sure that it's all that worthwhile...at all.

Well, maybe one of these days I will learn how to prioritize. Maybe someday I will create beautiful and beneficial things and actually do something good with my life. That day, however, will probably not involve any rain.

Randomness seems to be "in."

2008-05-25T23:07:00.011-06:00

Writing for the sheer sake of doing so

I'm way too tired to write any kind of story...so here's a short and sporadic thought.

I think randomness has become some kind of unspoken fad among a lot of teenage girls. Check out their myspace "About Me"s. There are a startling amount of these self-descriptions that look a lot like this: "My name is Sarah, I'm 15 years old and I'm a freshman in high school. I loooooove mint chocolate chip ice cream. I have a lot of purple shirts. I got a puppy for my 12th birthday. My mousepad is pink. I love lip gloss. I hate girls who talk shit. If you don't like me, guess what, I don't care, that's your problem, not mine. I love the All-American Rejects. I have three freckles on my right knee. I am random! I have long blond hair, that I sometimes wear with a headband. I have the best friends in the whole entire world!!!! They are always there for me!!! I like gymnastics. I like pinepples on my pizza. I like tall boys with curly hair and bright blue eyes. I HATE cleaning. My little brother is a brat. I want to live in a mansion when I grow up."

The list can go on and on and on. I find it ridiculous that in spite of all the details they hold, long-winded paragraphs like this are so mind-numbingly boring and so blatantly lacking in even a resemblance of a coherent description. (Sorry. Got a little carried away with words there.) There seem to be a startling amount of people that know nothing more about themselves than the fact that they like pineapple pizza and pink mousepads.

My goodness, some teenagers are fascinating.

Cue the Wild Applause

2008-05-23T22:54:00.024-06:00

Let's Give it Up for the Class of '08!

I had my last day of high school class today. I should be thrilled. I hate high school class. But in all honesty, I’m kind of sad. How in the hell can I be done with high school? I’ve spent four years at Arrupe Jesuit, and granted, a good amount of my time there has been pretty torturous, but even so, I’ve come to really love that place. In spite of all the bitchy friends, crappy math teachers, and crippling amounts of homework, it really breaks my heart to be leaving. I spent my whole freshman year there as an awkward and friendless misfit. Now I actually feel like I belong. I still hate it sometimes, but I’m at home there. I’m comfortable with the people. I no longer worry so much about the way I act around them, and I’m not obsessed with making people like me. My entire class of 55 kids has grown close enough over these past four years that most of us are pretty damn comfortable with each other. We know each other, and as my classmate Adrian said at our senior retreat, we’ve all got each others’ backs, and we all know that. At school, I’m happy just chillin’ anywhere at all—in the gym watching boys shoot hoops, in the lobby joking with whoever else might be there waiting for their Mom to pick them up, or on the bus laughing my ass off on the way to work. I love most of my classmates at and even some of the teachers. It’s so frightening and shocking to be leaving them all behind.

This isn’t to say that I’m not excited for my future…I am. It’s just that I know virtually nothing about it. I know I’m going to DU. And I plan on studying writing. But aside from that, I know absolutely nothing about what my life will become. I’m saying goodbye to almost everyone I know. I certainly hope to keep in touch with my closest friends, but there’s no way our relationships are going to be the same as they are now. We won’t be able to talk through math class or waste time in the computer lab anymore. We will no longer spend hours on the school bus together or laugh our asses off at lunch while picking at DJ the lunch lady’s infamous “tater tot casserole” or glorious “chocolate surprise.”

I don’t know how much I’ll miss high school…but I will definitely remember its high points. Today, for instance, we seniors were pretty excited that it was our last day of class. While the community aspect of school is fabulous, the academic part sucks. So we were pretty damn glad to know that we would never again have to sit through another treacherous 65 minutes of high school calculus.

In third period civics, the two social studies teachers I’ve had presented us with mix CDs…full of songs and sound clips from the past four years. Something about hearing the Neighborhood Map Machine theme song and a stuttering lawyer from the film My Cousin Vinny made me want to cry. High school seems so much more wonderful in retrospect than it does when you’re actually living through it. The past four years were at times a haze of exhaustion and angst, but I think that, overall, I really and truly loved my experience. I’ve turned into one of those people I never thought I would be – the kind of happy girl who loves high school.

Today, as I mentioned, seniors were very happy. In fact, we were ecstatic. We spent most of the day cheering. Literally. My classmates have become very fond of applause in the past few months. I like to think that this clapping obsession started when I won “The General’s Award” for volleyball. When our athletic director approached me at the beginning of a theology class to give me my award, my hyperactive class erupted into wild cheers, which continued for about 10 minutes. They even started excitedly chanting my name –- all for me having a good attitude on the volleyball team. When the cheering finally began to subside, Mr. Lovinguth the athletic director came back into our classroom with the letter that I’d also earned. The classroom exploded once again with whooping and screaming.

Most of us got detention that day.

Since then, Arrupe’s class of 2008 has been full of enthusiastic cheerers. A few days ago, as my civics teacher walked through the crowded cafeteria, senior Victor Soto loudly announced, “Mr. Dexter, everybody!!” The senior class cheered like we’d just won the lottery as Mr. Dexter humbly grinned and waved his way through the cafeteria.

So we like cheering. And we’ve gotten really good at it. We spent most of our lunch period today cheering for most of the teachers who walked by, except for the assistant principal who strutted through the cafeteria like he was expecting applause. We cheered through fifth and sixth periods. We cheered after school, whooping and screaming, “OH-EIGHT! OH-EIGHT! OH-EIGHT!” Some girls even paraded with our Dean of Students, running wildly through the hallways after the last bell.

Then seniors started going home, the insanity subsided, and I realized, Wow. I’m kind of sad. I’m just about done with high school. And I’m totally stunned.

Happy Birthday to Me

2008-05-12T13:11:00.011-06:00

I turned 18 on Friday!

My parents gave me a Nikon D40 for a birthday present.
I love it. I got it the day before my family went up to the mountains for the weekend, so I really had some fun up there...

I don't know much about photography, but now that I've got the great camera, I've got to start learning!

Sucker for Romance Movies?

2008-05-02T22:50:00.005-06:00

I watched The Notebook again tonight.

The first time I watched this, my heart was torn apart by what a beautiful romance it was. That was one or two years ago. I watched most of it again tonight, and while some parts still made me sigh, "aww...", most of what I thought was, God, that girl is ditzy.

But Ryan Gosling was still gorgeous.
Are beautiful guys like this the only reason I like TV?
Maybe.

I'm a little bothered by the fact that I didn't like The Notebook so much the second time around. Everyone likes The Notebook. It's the girly romance movie of the century. And I'm starting to think it's pretty stupid.

I've become disturbingly cynical. Or maybe just realistic. I don't know, but I kind of like it.

My Poor, Poor Face

2008-05-01T22:59:00.005-06:00

Wow. It's been a while.

I'm clearly falling into the bad habit of starting every post like I just did--commenting on how long it's been since I've written.
I really should write more often. I like blogging. It's good for me to write with readers in mind--it keeps me from ranting too long about truly ridiculous things such as falling in love and my feelings.
That's right, I just called falling in love "ridiculous."
Why is it ridiculous?
Because I hate it.
Not only do I hate the angst that inevitably accompanies feelings of "falling in love," I hate to see my friends swimming in the madness of completely losing their minds over another human being.

I'm aware that I sound incredibly cynical, but I'm really not a fan of high school relationships. Granted, having someone to truly care is just about all I've wanted for the past four years, but expecting one person to be so perfect is nothing short of ludicrous. In high school, at least.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-humanity or asexual or anything. I just don't really like liking people to the point of mental warfare. That's how "falling in love" always seems to end up--in painful headaches and truckloads of angst.

This is one reason why I like blogging. I don't have to write about that awful gut-churning emotion that I've come to know as love. Instead, I get to recount cheerful regales of my terrible home or school life (Remember when I crashed my car?), or rant about how much I love my TV boyfriends. And it makes me laugh. Admittedly, I'm probably the only person who actually finds myself funny, but regardless, blogging is great for me because I get to write, I get to laugh, and for a period of time I get to avoid any drama or angst that is taking heavy residence in my life.

As an added plus, I imagine you, the enthralled reader (though I'm not quite sure you exist), being so highly entertained by my words and wit.

Ha ha. That last sentence made me laugh.

*****

So the last time I wrote was early March. It's been almost two months. Gosh, I'm so bad at this.

I guess I've been through quite a lot in the past two months. For starters, I survived an entire soccer season. In March, I submitted to a spontaneous and outrageously illogical decision to join the soccer team, and spent a lot of time after that cursing myself for attempting to play a sport I knew virtually nothing about. Needless to say, it was a pretty awkward season. I really loved it, a lot of the time, but I sure felt like a moron when I couldn't do such simple things as dribble a ball across the field. But somehow, I was a starting forward in almost every game. I don't know if the coaches gave me seniority because I'm graduating in June, but I must admit I felt very proud every time I heard them yelling, "Good, Major!" from the sidelines.

I'd have to say the highlight of my season was when I was brutally kicked in the face. My God, that was awesome. I was sprinting towards some burly defender who, when I was about five feet away from her, tried to boot the ball over my head. But she failed pretty badly at that, and as the ball collided with my nose and mouth at dizzying speed, my feet flew in the air and my back crashed onto the ground. Immediately after that, I attempted to spring back up and start running again, but that was really difficult, due to my inability to see anything and the way the world was spinning round and round around me.

"Lie down, Major!" a teammate yelled from what seemed like miles away. I lied on the ground and felt pretty dumb, sprawled out all alone in the middle of a soccer field. Where was the team who was supposed to surround me and hold my hand in my time of mortal injury? I sat up and put my head between my knees. There was my coach, walking slowly towards me from the sidelines. "She has a bloody nose," I heard someone exclaim from miles away in another direction. I swept my hand across my face. Nosebleed, indeed.

I made it back to the sidelines where I started laughing as tears dripped out of my eyes. "That hurt!" I announced to my teammates and coaches on the bench.

We lost that game, but something about getting kicked in the face made me feel like such a hero. It almost made up for my inability to actually play soccer.

Overall, it was pretty good season. But I was very relieved when it was finally over on Tuesday.

So that was soccer.
Now what else?

Well, this is where I'm going next year:
I made the college decision! And in September, I'm off to DU! It wasn't even a hard decision to make--I'm pretty sure this school's the best for me.
I won't be living on campus, which I'm a little worried about. I don't know how hard it will be to make friends, because socially, I kind of suck. It took 2 years for me to be comfortable with my high school friends. But gosh, I really don't know what to expect. It's still weird imagining myself as a college student. It's crazy how finally I seem to be growing up. I'm turning 18 next Friday. I'm graduating in June. I'll be in college in September. Unreal.

I'm worrying and thinking about this quite a lot, but I know all I can do is finish high school and just see what happens from there. It's certainly exciting, but pretty intimidating as well.

*****

Gosh, it's midnight already. I was going to go to bed early tonight. Then I got online and started doing this. It's funny how easy it is to fall asleep while doing math homework, but it's just as easy to stay up till 2 doing absolutely nothing on the internet.

But I do think this is worthwhile.

I would resolve to blog more often, but time and energy are really big issues for me right now. But I will try. I do enjoy this.

Until the future, my dear reader.

Angst and Television

2008-03-11T19:31:00.008-06:00

I doubt you've missed me.

If you'll notice, though, I haven't created any posts lately.

My itch to write hasn't wavered, but my life hasn't been too interesting. I've been living in a long headache since I returned to school in January. For one thing, I lost my car. For the first couple weeks of January, I was riding an enjoyable high--I was working in a school and I had my own car. But then, in returning to high school, I wrecked the car and remembered that while I was highly admired as a grade school volunteer, I wasn't quite as cool in high school. Homework kept me up till 1 in the morning again. The weight of applying to scholarships and stressing about the terrible unknown after high school became very heavy. My friends were ridiculing me relentlessly as I struggled to create decent comebacks (I rarely succeeded.) All of this, in addition to an unmentionable infatuation, led me to wallow through a boatload of painful angst.
Coming home to a house overflowing with screaming children didn't decrease any of my misery.

I haven't been wanting to write about that. It's not very funny. But that's what's been going on. I just finished a three-day weekend, though. The change of weather, my catching up on much-needed sleep, and obsessive observance of Heroes season 1 has slightly improved my outlook.

Heroes is now officially my third favorite TV show! After LOST and The Office, it is so entertaining!

Not to mention I'm now in love with Peter Petrelli (Milo Ventimiglia) :

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!! I sound like such a girl here, but I love TV boyfriends!!

Charlie Pace...such a brilliant accent. How I cried at the end of season 3...

Jim Halpert... The Office is coming back!!!! =D The writers are finally done striking--Hallelujah Yes!! TV!!!

Angst

2008-02-21T22:20:00.004-07:00

I can breathe!

Time to write! At least for one night this week, I feel like I have time to relax a little bit! I've been through only two days of class this week, but I've been feeling like I've been hit by a train. This week has been nothing short of insane.

My weekend was stellar. My parents were out for the weekend and I spent most of my time driving kids around and being out of the house. My school had its Valentine's Day Dance on Saturday night, and even though I spent more time taking pictures of people dancing than actually dancing, I really enjoyed myself. (I don't dance and I do take pictures, so it was all right.) I loved my dress and I spent the night feeling generally satisfied with life.

Sunday, too, was terrific, and knowing that there was no school the next day certainly didn't dampen my high spirits.

Then Tuesday came, and within a matter of hours I was exhausted. Wednesday, it was hard to keep myself alive. I've been attempting (though definitely not succeeding) to cope with the stress of homework, tests, scholarship applications and worry of my general college future. On top of that, I've been feeling really angsty. I won't get into that here, but this week has been quite the headache.

I've been foolishly led to believe that because I've got an above-average GPA and test score, I'm smart and I can do anything.

This isn't true. I honestly can't tell you how I get A's. I know the way my mind functions--most of the time, it doesn't. I mean, I'm ditzy enough to crash my car a block a way from school so it totally blows my mind how I can be in the top 5% of my class. I've simply got a knack for memorization, which serves well on tests, and I like to read, which helps me know how to construct acceptable English sentences.

Aside from that...my God. My friend Johnny likes to shake his head sadly, saying, "Emily Major...so smart, yet so stupid."

My book smarts are basically gone, this week, though. I failed two tests today. That's a first. And ooo-wee, it hurts. This isn't even Senior-itis. It's only February and I am still plowing full speed ahead, and I plan to do so until graduation. No, I'm not getting lazy. I'm just failing.

It's been a difficult week. I've been feeling really perfectionistic (it's a word because I said so, damn it), so I've been carrying a constant headache. Then, I'm hauling around a boatload of angst for insignificant reasons, and I can't say that's very enjoyable.

Isn't senior year fun?

Not Very Much of a Day

2008-02-18T20:13:00.008-07:00

This song is amazing.

I will always support Anna Nalick! She's got an amazing voice, and my God, can the girl write songs!

*****

Because today is President's Day, my siblings and I had the day off. I would love days off if I wasn't so unproductive. For some reason, before I have a day off of school, I develop this idea that I will be able to somehow do the things I've been putting off for weeks. It's an entire day, I think. That's time to do everything I need to do.

It would be ample time if I didn't choose to lie in bed or futz around all day. The most useful thing I did was read 40-50 pages in Dead Man Walking, which took me a lot longer than I thought it would. This book would be interesting if it wasn't so boring. What I mean by that is it's got an interesting storyline--it's about a nun who becomes spiritual adviser to men on death row. It's difficult to see how someone could read this book and still support the death penalty. It's good, but the writing itself can be confusing. The author drops in so many names and facts that I get really lost in.

I tried to commit my energy today to a workday...of course that's a really nerdy thing to do, to devote my day off to reading and scholarship applications. But it's all stuff that needs to be done, and my options today were work, or do nothing. Unfortunately, I chose to do nothing, drinking an unhealthy amount of Diet Coke in the process. Now it's all gone and I really want it. It's like a drug!

I also watched Monster-In-Law. The best thing about this movie is that Jennifer Lopez is absolutely gorgeous. (It's not fair that hair in the movies can always be so perfect.) The movie itself wasn't the best, but it was interesting enough to keep me in bed till noon today.

I can't think of anything I should write about. That's a sure sign that I should leave.

Until another time, dear readers.

Scholarly Insanity

2008-02-17T21:12:00.003-07:00

My goodness, it's been a while.

Quite unsurprisingly, my life has been a little chaotic lately. Thankfully, I'm sure no one's really missed my blogging. Since my car crash I've gone back to school and gotten very caught up in the goings-on there. I have about 3 1/2 months left of high school, which is exciting, yet heart-breaking. This year I feel very attached to my school and many of the people in it, so the thought of leaving it can be sickening.

Then again, the thought of going to college IS exciting. Though honestly I am clueless as to what to expect. I see that as a good sign. Many times in life the things that you're really scared or clueless about end up being incredible.

I've decided on what I want to study. I'd like a double major in creative writing and journalism with a minor in education. I'd like to teach as a career and write (hopefully a lot) on the side. I don't know what that prospect is on a possibility scale, but I really want to study writing in college and I really want to teach when I grow up. I'm hoping I'll be able to combine those aspirations.

I've been thinking quite a lot about college this past week or two. I've been spending a lot of time on scholarship applications, too. I turned two in this week, which felt great. It's exciting. What's not so exciting is the rejection letters (I've gotten rejected to just about as many scholarships as I've applied to), but hopefully if I bust enough ass I'll get SOMETHING in the end. I'm going to need to stumble into a good load of money in order to go to the school I want.

Searching for scholarships, at least for me, can be kind of frustrating. I've run into a lot more scholarships for minorities and the GLBT community than scholarships I actually qualify for. It's great that organizations are reaching out and everything but there are still straight white girls like myself who struggle to find education.

It's a frustrating and rigorous process. Somehow, I'm fighting my way through.

Another video...hilarious.

2008-01-27T22:37:00.000-07:00

Of course you're getting sick of these videos.

I only post these Brotherhood 2.0 videos on here so I have easy reference to them. I know you don't care about them. Chances are that you don't care about my blog. It doesn't matter. I read it more than anyone else, so it's basically like an electronic journal.

So here's another video. Enjoy!

(Oh my God, I said "video" 4 times in like one paragraph. Sorry about that.)

"Put it on your head!!"

2008-01-27T14:31:00.001-07:00

More incredible brilliance from Hank Green (one of my heroes!).

I'm having a great time watching Brotherhood 2.0. This video reminds me a lot of something I wrote a couple months ago. Though Hank Green makes a lot better comments on youth than I can...

Life sometimes SHOULD be about having fun. It's admittedly a lot better than panicking about everything.

2008-01-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

Favorite site of the moment:

Brotherhood 2.0. John Green, one of my favorite YA Authors, happens to be hysterically funny. He and his brother, Hank, throughout the entirety of 2007, participated in this project called Brotherhood 2.0. Their only communication throughout the entire year was through video blogs. They published them on this website. I've been watching these videos this week consecutively from January 2007, and I'm now halfway through March...I haven't stopped laughing. I posted the above video because it highlights my city and I've been to all those places that were shown (and so has my hero John Green!!!!!!). Exciting.

This one is the funniest so far, though--even if you don't care about YA literature or video blogs or anything, watch it, because it's nothing short of awesome.

The background story is this. Hank, who is the brother featured in this particular video, was challenged by John to buy 100 marshmallow peeps and eat as many as he could in 6 minutes (He reached about 12) He was instructed to give the remaining peeps (86.5 of them) to worthy recipients in Mizzoula, Montana, where he lives. This is how he goes about doing so:
(Watch it!!!!)

Surviving Major Setback

2008-01-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

Attempting to Move On

After yesterday, the worst day of my entire young life (see previous entry for details), I actually drove again today. I was pretty scared. Though I must say I am trying to drive infinitely more carefully than before, knowing that it's impossible to take too many precautions.

Though I am, of course, thankful that I didn't hurt anyone yesterday, I'm wildly depressed about what happened. Until yesterday morning, my life was going amazingly well--everything for the past couple of weeks had seemed to be completely in place--I was absolutely fine with everything.

Then, of course, I come across a terrible misadventure (Knowing that it was my fault doesn't make me feel much better, either). Of course I ruin my car--how could life really be so good for so long? Part of me yesterday wanted to shake my fist at heaven screaming, "VERY FUNNY, ASSHOLE!!"

It sucks more than anything has ever sucked for me before. I guess that's not too bad, if you think about it...but all this "looking at the bright side" doesn't really change the fact that I feel like total shit.

As I was driving siblings home tonight from their school science fair, Matt Nathanson's song, "Car Crash," played on the radio. I now officially hate the guy. "I want to feel the car crash," he sings.

Idiot. You don't want to feel that kind of shit. I promise, you DON'T WANT TO FEEL ANYTHING LIKE THAT, EVER. I could barely eat or sleep yesterday. I felt really thin by the end of the day...I've discovered a foolproof way to lose weight quickly...crash your car and spend a lot of the following time in shock and depression. Your weight should drop rapidly after that.

And like I said, I couldn't sleep. I haven't had insomnia for years. I had a lot of trouble sleeping all through grade school (I worried a lot more than I should have during those long and awful years of puberty), but high school, since its inception, has generally been a haze of pure exhaustion. I can usually fall asleep any time, any place, and I can sleep through just about anything. (I've developed the ability to sleep soundly through angry loud alarm clocks, a skill that has damaged quite a lot of mornings.) So tossing and turning last night was terrible. All I could think about was my car crash.

Today was slightly better. I'm humiliated by the fact that I'm getting rides from my parents again, but I went to school with a caffeine high and I laughed my way through the morning. By the end of the school day, though, I was sick of school (It's only my first day in class in 2008, and it was a half day), and I hated myself again.

Then I got my ride home and really felt awful for a while.

God, I sound horrible. I realize I'm throwing the pity party of the year, and for that I apologize. I don't think anyone enjoys other people's bitch sessions.

I'm particularly despondent lately, though I'm pretty sure things will slide back into something of a happy life again...soon.

Really, the only thing that was really hurt in my crash (well, besides our vehicles) was my pride. And of course no one except me gives a rat's ass about my pride and self-image so I'll shut up here.

In summation, life's been pretty bad for the past two days and I've done a lot of loathing of my mistakes and of the Universe in general, but in the long run, in the ultimate scheme of things....
eh. It will all be fine.

I'm only getting one point taking off my license. I'm amazed. I think I might have been dealing with the nicest policeman in the state. I can't complain about that.

I find the whole thing ironic though, for this reason: After reading the first two books of Douglas Adam's Hitchhiker's series, I declared less than 24 hours before my accident that my new personal philosophy was "Don't Panic." (Read the books and you will understand.) I decided that "Don't Panic" is some of the most excellent advice one can take in this life, and proudly resolved to keep panic at a minimum on my part.

Then yesterday happened.

Needless to say, wild panic ensued.

I guess I'll keep trying though. What else can I do, really?

Disaster, to Say The Least

2008-01-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

I am currently in shock.

To put things simply, this is what happened: Less than a month after receiving my driver's license, I totaled my car less than one block away from my school, my destination. Fortunately, nobody was hurt, and for that I must say I am incredibly grateful. That, however does not change the fact that I feel purely and unalterably awful. I am terribly humiliated by this, and after realizing that this isn't some sort of nightmare that I am going to wake up from, I am beginning to feel very panicky. Everybody's been telling me all morning that "everybody makes mistakes," which is fine, but I must say that this mistake has a truly aching magnitude.

I'm also very depressed that I no longer have a car.

I'm pretty sure this is one of the worst days of my life. I still find it almost entirely unbelievable.

Back To Real Life

2008-01-20T11:21:00.001-07:00

Hello, again.

I've noticed that people have an annoying tendency to say things like this (especially on their myspace profiles:)

"I like [such and such], or I do [such and such], if you don't like it, I don't care, [insert obscene threat here]."

I'm not going to be TOO sardonic about myspace here (though I will attempt to implement new vocabulary words), because I myself actually have one, but looking at people's profiles sometimes really makes me roll my eyes.

In order to avoid annoying pretentiousness, I'll shut up now.

If you'll notice, I haven't written in this blog for about two weeks. Getting back to something of a real life after Christmas Break has been both distracting and exhausting. My writing habits have been starting to falter, but I'm trying to give myself another jump start here. I usually make a point to write SOMETHING, be it substantial or silly, every day. Unfortunately, however, I have written nothing for the past two days.

I don't have any excuse, other than I've been really lazy.

Oh, and I have been reading this:

The second book in the Hitchhiker's Guide series--I finished it yesterday. I don't think it was quite as brilliant as the first but I nevertheless devoured it, laughing a lot in the process. The plotline is nothing short of ridiculous, but it's so damn FUNNY! This writer has a way with words, with the deft ability to turn most of his sentences into absolute hilarity. It was awesome.

Now there is also something of a reason why I haven't been writing for the past two weeks. I've been too busy in euphoria. I spent two weeks volunteering at a local Catholic grade school and I now know with almost complete certainty that teaching is what I want to do with my life. I am very happy about that.

This is me with my 4th grade class:

These kids made me realize that I like kids.

Eventually I might write up something formal about my experience. I'm supposed to do that for school, anyway, so if that turns out well I'll post it here.

But I'll just say now that I just finished some of the best two weeks of my life. I cried when I left the school Friday afternoon.

So that's my mini update. Unfortunately I have to go back to high school this week. Senior year's great, but I think I might miss 4th grade.

*****

Oh, and in reference to my last post--I did find my phone the next day. And I successfully got my driver's license the day after that.

Glory Hallelujah, Yes.

Burnout

2008-01-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

I'm a little bit dead-tired, excuse me.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a total lack of attempt to write well. You'll have to excuse me, I'm tired to a ridiculously vertiginous degree.

Aaaahhh to the what the wow the WHO?.

I went to grade school today. I started a two-week service project at a local Catholic grade school. In addition to two weeks off with Christmas break, I am staying away from high school classes for an additional two weeks helping fourth graders.
It is mind-blowingly exhausting, you have no idea.

My first day was confusing and awkward, what can I say. I plunged into an entirely new environment, and even though it's only fourth grade, it's scary.

I lost my phone today. At the school. I frantically ran around the halls and through the gym and lunchroom and library and EVERYTHING looking for it and I had to leave with absolutely no idea where my phone might be.

WHAT???!?!?!

I am a typical American teenager, and by God, I need my cell phone. I am really worried about it. It's out in the world, all alone, my poor baby, possibly stolen and lonely and sad!!!

If it's not in the lost in the found tomorrow i'll...i'll..i'll... well i don't know what but I'll be incredibly disappointed.

There is a plus to today though. At least one.

***I passed my driver's test, glory, hallelujah, YES!!!***

But here's the catch...oh yes, of course there is a catch, because life, the universe and everything (HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE reference!!!! **FLASHING NEON LIGHTS AND DANCING AND LAUGHING AND PERPETUAL SINGING!!**) is a heartless cruel bitch.

While I did pass my driver's test with massive amounts of relief, what happened at the DMV office but THE COMPUTERS SHUT DOWN!

What the what the what!!

So they couldn't issue me my license.

I'm a little annoyed, but hey at least I won't have to take that bitch of a test again.

Okay day. On to a new one.

Until the future, darling and beautiful readers,

Eternal love always, hope you liked my ridiculous nonsensical unedited verbosity,

Emily

Crazy Dance Party

2008-01-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

Holy flaming sword of amazing grace on caffeine overdose!!!

Look at my second headline "Holy flaming sword.."
It's not fair, how come I can't ever say cool things like that? How come I never say anything good at all, ever? I QUIT AT LIFE!!
Guess who said that in their blog ("Holy flaming sword...")? Why, the legendary Justin Pierre, my idol. I've written about him here. He's the lead singer of Motion City Soundtrack, which I have written about here.

Anyways. Now that I've gotten that infatuation spurt out of the way, I'll continue.

I worked again today...I may have mentioned that work is only fun when you do it like, once a week. Any more than that and it becomes an actual job and it sucks. I worked yesterday and had a fantastic day. I worked today and I came home feeling exhausted and bitchy and I haven't wanted to write all day, and I've been wondering what the fuck is the point of writing anyways, and why am I doing this and fuck I should just quit and stop being so damn pretentious about it.

But I won't quit today.

I read a lot of small things today...bits and pieces of author blogs and hilarious anecdotes from David Sedaris in The New Yorker...awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome.

I also went to the library today and stocked up on CD's...including this one:

Yeah, okay, okay, make fun of me. But I really wanted it. It was so worth it, too, when my parents left the house and I played it on top volume. My younger siblings and I had a dance party and it was hilariously fun:

All this dancing destroyed my bad mood, anyways. Though now I'm suddenly insanely tired and sad...

Goodnight folks, I'll find a way through this mood swing thing somehow...

Emily

Downtown

2008-01-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

I’ve been dealing with a little disappointment.

One of the reasons why I didn’t post anything yesterday was because I spent my entire evening in a miserable state of angry depression. I don’t find that to be a very easy writing attitude.

I failed my driver’s test yesterday with a 92%. No, that doesn’t sound like a failure, does it? 92% is generally something like an A grade, right? Well, not when you drive like a total idiot and in a state of nervous wondering if you will past the test, disregard right-of-way rules of the road.

Woops.

I had two “dangerous actions” marked against me. Apparently, a “dangerous action” is an automatic fail. Having two of them in a 10-minute time span was quite humiliating for me. I spent my evening feeling worthless and incompetent.

After the drive home, which included several furious steering-wheel-pounding fits (from me, the bad driver), I decided to try to channel my anger into something productive—I was going to write my University of Chicago admission essay. This University has been one of my favorite schools for the past couple of months; not to mention it’s one of the most selective schools in the country. I’d been planning on applying to U. of Chicago for a while, but didn’t actually get around to it because of the new creative essay I would have to write. The University of Chicago prides itself on its “Uncommon Application” and its truly uncommon, absurdly original essays. I was excited to write them, but I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy task.

But guess what? I won’t be writing any Chicago essays at all. The application deadline was yesterday. I began the application yesterday.

Forget about it. There was, and I struggle to put this politely, no fucking way I could have written good essays in a matter of hours. NO FUCKING WAY. Even if I did bust my ass to write those essays, I would have still had to get a high school transcript and recommendation letters submitted. IN A MATTER OF HOURS.

So it didn’t happen. Now forget about applying to my dream school.

I didn’t get my driver’s license and I didn’t apply to Chicago. I felt like dying.
I’d been feeling kind of worthless over the entirety of Christmas Break. Yesterday didn’t really boost my spirits.

On the upside, though, and yes thank God, there was an upside, I received an acceptance e-mail from the University of Denver. Now that, I was very happy about. I found enough positive feelings in me to wave my arms in the air in a sort of happy dance.

The University of Denver is my top choice for college next year. Thankfully I did have the sense to apply to that school.

Though I still feel like a failure.

I woke up early for work today, though, and felt slightly better. For starters, my hair behaved itself this morning. After 5 minutes with my straightener, I actually looked…decent. That’s really something for 7:30 AM.
Then the weather was nice. All day. The sun wasn’t too bright, the snow wasn’t too much, and the temperature was just right. It was perfect.
I looked out my window all day at work again at the Nordstrom shoppers, and I felt a breeze against my face. I don’t know where exactly it came from, but I couldn’t complain about a pleasant breeze fanning my hair out all day. It was brilliant.

I also had captured my brother’s 80 GB ipod. Quite unfortunately, my younger brother is more technologically advanced (mp3 player-wise) than I am. I currently do not own an mp3 player. I left my old Creative Zen at a hotel, and with my excellent procrastinating skills, I never called to ask about a lost-and-found. So I stole my even-younger brother’s mp3 player that he found on a train. Now that one’s almost broken. I am now a sad music enthusiast without any suitable form of portable song. So I quite enjoyed having my entire itunes library with me all day.

This is what I listened to the entire way home:

I’ve actually never seriously listened to The Killers before, outside of a few exciting renditions of “Somebody Told Me” and “Jenny Was A Friend of Mine.”

But this game, Guitar Hero 3 (which my brother, the ipod owner, bought with his Christmas Best Buy gift card), turned me into a big fan of “When You Were Young.” So I listened to the whole Sam’s Town album. It was great.

Sam’s Town was nice listening for my bus ride home. Due to my not yet having a license (arrgghh) and my parents’ inability to pick me up everywhere all the time, I was taking the bus home. The bus has always been something exciting for me. There are always all these weird people that I get to interact with. I enjoy people-watching. RTD buses are probably some of the best places to do that. I go into observative mode when I’m in the midst of all these strangers.

Since there’s not too much else to do, I sometimes sneak glances at a person and do my best at determining who they are. Yeah, it’s kind of judgmental, and “you can’t judge a book by its cover,” and all that. But I like reading people.

I saw a young kid step on the 16th Street Mall shuttle today full of facial piercings, clad in skinny jeans and big shoes, clutching a Virgin Megastores bag, and seeming very nervous and uncomfortable. You, I thought, are a sad insecure little kid with a lot of money. Your gender remains unknown. (Hope they’ll never read this blog! Sorry Virgin Megastores kid!)

In my people-watching adventures, I also discovered that there is an alarming amount of people playing Sudoku.

Sudoku people are everywhere. Have you noticed? They are taking over the world. Look on a bus, in a coffee shop, on park benches, in bookstores, and you will find someone playing Sudoku. And it’s not like Sudoku people are just old ladies with nothing better to do after they’ve fed all their cats. No, there are all sorts of Sudoku people! I just saw a young guy today in business attire poring over a Sudoku book in Peaberry Coffee. I can’t help but wonder…why do these people do it? What is the purpose of this game (besides, of course, the whole number thing)? And how could anyone really be that bored?

As I was walking through downtown pondering our culture’s Sudoku phenomenon, I arrived at my 2nd bus stop. Every time I am at this downtown bus stop, I swear to high goodness, a crazy guy always comes to sit right by me. Being a young girl, I guess I’m a crazy/drunk guy magnet. Either that, or they've developed some conspiratorial plan to harass redheads. I can’t say it’s not interesting, but it’s definitely creepy. Today was no exemption from downtown’s unique characters. About 2 minutes after I leaned myself against a fence at the bus stop, who comes to sit and the end of the bench and talk to me but a crazy guy!! He asked me the time. I told him. He asked me what route I was on. I told him. He asked me the time again. I told him. He started talking to me a lot about strange and random things, stopping at intervals to ask me questions. I wasn’t sure if I should ignore him or give him witty, smart-assed answers. I mostly ignored him. Someday, though, I’d just love to speak completely freely to one of those crazy guys. I probably would have, had it not been for all the other sane people waiting with me. They would have looked at me weird. However, if those sane people weren’t there, I’d be out of my mind with fright in being all alone in the city with a psycho.

But one of these days…I’ll have a truly crazy conversation with a truly crazy guy. If he doesn’t, you know, kill me in the process.

I’ll make sure to write about it.

Enjoyable Nothing

2008-01-01T21:58:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year!

This is my first written sentence of 2008.

Brilliant! What promise those eight words hold for the rest of these 365 days!

I just backspaced about a page and a half of words. I’m really tired and I don’t know what I’m doing. I spent the night at a friend’s house last night, and on my way home I developed a really brilliant story to write about and I was so determined to publish it here…

Then I got home and started eating and said, “Oh, I’ll write later, I’ll definitely make a point to sit down and write this afternoon. I have an incredible story, bound to warm the hearts of all my readers.”

Instead of writing, I ate cheesecake and laid in bed for god-knows-how-long, reading and thinking, while promising myself that I would write later.

Then, as the sun was setting, I put on my headphones, took my dog for a walk, and we sprinted through cold neighborhood streets.

I got home and made dinner.

After eating at a table surrounded by loud and obnoxious young children, I poured myself a coffee, went downstairs to my room, opened up my laptop, and in a state of total exhaustion, attempted to write. I didn’t really think about anything I was saying— I just typed a bunch of words, looked over them, and thought, What the hell is this.

It wasn’t much. So I backspaced it.

I’m not going to tell you my “heartwarming story” anymore. It was about the value of friendship and how happy it made me.

It was doubtlessly going to be something mind-numbingly tacky. I think you’re much better off not reading it. It was one of those stories that seems really really good only when you’re half-awake.

Here’s the main idea, though:
I spent the night at my friend Beth’s house last night, which, don’t tell my friends, I didn’t really want to do. I’ve really bonded to my own bed over this break, so I wasn’t happy when my parents called me this morning at 3 AM to announce that they wouldn’t pick me up. Reluctantly, I agreed to take part in my friends’ slumber party, but I ended up actually really enjoying myself.

Despite my aching desire not to, I played Cranium until about 4 in the morning with 4 other teenage girls. I had fun playing Cranium’s charades, acting out paparazzi and The Fonz. (I didn’t know who “The Fonz” was at all, besides some old TV character. This made it very difficult for me to act out. I stood at the front of the room laughing and telling my friends that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, so I was going to try some stand-up comedy instead. They in turn looked at me like I was a moron and inwardly cursed the fact that I was on their team. They never guessed “The Fonz.”)

After hours of playing Cranium and watching When A Stranger Calls, my friends and I finally attempted to go to bed. Iliana and I, however, stayed awake long after everyone else had fallen asleep, giggling nonstop about school and boys. (What more is there to life?)

At 7:30 AM, we finally stopped talking and slept till 11:30. The 5 of us then loitered around Beth’s kitchen for most of the morning (which, incidentally, was the afternoon. But we were eating breakfast until about 2 PM).

It was a simple but wonderful start to 2008. I’ve spent the past a week and half spending virtually no time with any of my friends. I’ve been taking too much advantage of all the nothing I can do, staying in bed reading till one, not answering my phone because I don’t want to interact with humanity, and rarely leaving the house or getting fully dressed—basically being an entirely worthless human being. It’s been enjoyable, but it’s grown old quite quickly.

It was nice to do some nothing with other people for a change.

Even though I get sick of them, my friends make life a lot more worthwhile than laying in bed all day.

Happy 2008 to you all.

Looking Forward

2007-12-30T20:09:00.000-07:00

Quiet Day

Strangely enough, I have nothing in particular I want to write about.

I've decided that there are few pointless things to do in this life, but one of them is doing those internet surveys. I'm going to do one now. Looking forward to 2008:

This one's all about what you want out of "08!

1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Probably, after graduation. That won't be very happy.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
Doubtful

3. New house?
My parents are planning to move us eventually. Mind you that's a big eventually.

4. What will you do differently in 08?
Ha ha ha ... you think I plan out the way I change?? Anything I vow to do never happens anyways...I can't even keep my promises to not eat chocolate for a day...if you think I'll willfully change any habits, you're crazy.

5. New Years resolution?
Nope.

6. What will you NOT be doing in 08?
Well I won't be following any New Year's Resolution.

7. Any trips planned?
I'd like to go to Australia for World Youth Day.

8. Wedding plans?
Not for me ... ha ha but you never know!

9. Major thing on your calendar?
Graduation... oh and probably getting my drivers' license Jan. 2.

10. What cant you wait for?
I'm currently able to wait for anything.

11. What would you like to see happen differently?
Maybe I'd like to see a little more sanity in my family...of course that's some really high hoping.

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
Well, if all goes according to plan I'll become a college student.

13. What happened in 07 that you didn't think would ever happen?
Hmmm...a couple things, actually. Yet they're all much too personal for this blog. So sorry.

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
Honestly, I doubt it. Proclaiming, "I'll be nicer!" doesn't magically transform anyone into a better person.

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 07?
Of course I would like to but my funds are limited, so probably not.

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
Neither planning on starting nor quitting. I am only 17.

17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
That's not exactly very easy to answer. You're expecting me to be some sort of clairvoyant, you silly survey.

18. Will you do charity work?
I am volunteering at a Catholic grade school for two weeks in January. Though I really don't want to call it charity work because it seems to be more beneficial for me than anyone. ;)

19. Will you go to bars?
I'm only 17 so no, probably not.

20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
I am, usually. I'm only mean to people I really know, ha ha ha.

21. Do you expect 08 to be a good year for you?
Well I don't have too many expectations (He who expects nothing shall never be disappointed) but I'm really hoping, yes.

22. How much did you change from this time last year til now?
I believe I've changed quite considerably. It's hard to say how, but a lot of things about me are definitely (I'm sorry, I'm being terribly vague!)

23. Do you plan on having a child?
Why, no.

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
Some of them, I really hope so. But I'll doubtlessly (well, hopefully) find new friends as well. I'm graduating!!

26. Will you be moving?
Didn't I answer this? Possibly, depending on the definition of eventually.

28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
Going to church, actually.

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
Nope

30. One wish for 08?
Phew...get enough money for the school I want next year...
That, or I'm just wildly hoping everything goes okay. It has so far...more or less.

Warmth = Some Form of Satisfaction

2007-12-28T20:13:00.000-07:00

I truly do come from a great city.

Denver is America's 4th most literate city. I am so proud.

I went to work today: I therefore actually did something productive and I feel a whole lot better about myself than I did yesterday, when I slept past noon and pointlessly loitered around my house for hours. You see, work is really wonderful when it happens in small dosages and not on a regular basis. When you do it for, say, 3 days in a row or more, it sucks. But today I worked for the first time in a week and a half, and it was on a Friday, so it was a great day. I actually do love my job.

I have a window seat now. One of the walls of my new cubicle is a large window. I am so excited--I work across the street from a mall so now I can wistfully gaze out the window that my computer faces and observe the snobby Nordstrom crowds pass in and out of the store and in and out of their luxury cars. Fascinating.

I can't bag on Nordstrom too much, though, because I actually shopped there today. I've never felt that I was even allowed to breathe in that store before. I'm slightly a bit too...how shall I put it...ghetto. But, no, I did walk into Nordstrom today looking no doubt like a terrified lost child, made my way up the escalator to the Juniors' section and walked out with a big bag filled with $120 worth of new coat and school pants.

Nordstrom. Let me justify myself. My Grandad gave me a $100 Nordstrom gift card for Christmas. I was somewhat privileged to receive this gift because all my other siblings and cousins got $50 for Macy's or Best Buy. I didn't realize until far too late that I wasn't supposed to show my gift to anyone else. Woops.
Grandad's reasoning behind this unique gift was that I needed new clothes for college. Granted, $100 for Nordstrom will not substantially advance anybody's wardrobe, but it was quite a nice gift all the same. I am hoping that the $72 coat I bought today will get me through college. It's a long trench coat that extends to about three inches above my knees. It's a bit longer than what I really wanted but I do like it a lot. I'm pretty excited to wear it, now that it's about the nicest piece of clothing I own.

Why am I telling you about my coat? Who really sits around thinking, Hmm, I would really like to indulge myself in some interesting reading, I think reading about Emily's new coat would be really fulfilling.
If you really are saying that to yourself, I'm truly sorry that you can find nothing better. Might I suggest some more profound forms of English writing?
In all honesty, thought, my coat was the highlight of my day. Some days such simple things as winter outerwear can make you feel quite good about life.

I've Always Been a Writer

2007-12-27T19:36:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning the office today when I found...

I found an old story I wrote in first grade.

The Prince and The Princess
(11-13-96)
By Emily Major

Once upon a time there was a princess. Her name was Kristie.

And one day she went for a walk and she saw a prince and she thought he was handsome.

So she asked him to marry her and he said yes and they lived happily ever after.
THE END.

I've always been something of a hopeless romantic. Though I must say perhaps my protagonist came on a bit too strong? Hopefully their engagement worked out well, as it was based solely on a simple thought of "Oh, you're pretty 'hamsome.' "

Though it does say they lived happily ever after.
Brilliant. I have nothing to worry about.

Time Passes Slowly

2007-12-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

Oh My Gosh, We're Huge.

I realized yesterday that my immediate family is ludicrously large. People tell me that all the time, of course, when I tell them I'm the oldest of going-on 12 children. "Oh my God!" the exclaim. "But aren't your parents crazy? That is a LOT of kids!"
"Yes, it's a lot," I reply, even though I'm thinking, Oh, it's only twelve kids, come off it.

We all went to church yesterday though, for Christmas, at my old grade school church, and when I noticed that my family took up about the same space as my entire 6th grade class did, I was forced to say to myself, "My goodness, we are ludicrously huge."

I could empathize with fellow churchgoer's amazed stares and stunned exclamations of "Are they all yours??"

It was pretty funny, actually.

*****

This is how I have been spending my free time over Christmas break:

This book is simply awesome. Awesomeawesomeawesomeawesomeawesome. I finished it this morning and I am very very excited to continue reading this "trilogy in five parts." It's full of excellent British humor, and with characters called Zaphod Beeblebrox and Slartibartfast, how could it not be interesting? Hilarious and borderline philosophical read.

This is a book I started reading this morning. It's a mildly depressing but very fast read. I've plowed through about 200 pages in about 3-4 hours. I'm expecting to finish it tonight, seeing as to how I can't put it down. It's about a girl in her first year of art school who's found herself trapped in a bad relationship with a true asshole (She has yet to realize that. Girls are so stupid sometimes.). Simply but very well written. I like this author (Hilary Frank) a lot.

I watched this late Christmas Eve Night. It was awesome. It's a pretty trippy movie to watch by yourself in the dark at 1 in the morning, with your new dog making all these noises in the corner of the room, but it was really enjoyable. Shia LeBeouf is really great in this. Funny, scary, breath-taking.

This is what I'm planning to do with the remainder of my time off:
LOOOOOOSSSSTTTTT!!!!!! Best show on television!!! On my school breaks, I watch this show obsessively, and I'm hoping Christmas Break 07-08 is no exception. I'm kind of a pathetic fan, in that I haven't finished watching season 3, even though it ended months ago. The thing is, I'm a poor LOST fan, and buying it on itunes is out of the question, and the DVD set costs about $50. I'm needing to spend my Christmas money on school clothes and new jeans (My one pair now has a gaping hole in the knee.) And the website I used to watch season 3 on has been shut down (I am assuming this was because it was wildly illegal.) . Damn it.
But I have until Jan. 31, 2008 to catch up on season 3, because this is soon coming out:

LOST SEASON 4!!!! I am so excited!!!

*****

This is a new part of my Christmas Break:

If you read my post from 3 days ago, you'll remember me mentioning a dog showing up on my doorstep. You'll also remember me mentioning the prospect of a dog spending the night with me on my bed, and also my worries on said dog peeing on my comforters.

Well I did put that dog on my bed, which was a truly stupid thing to do because within about ten minutes she had left not one but two pee stains on not one but TWO of my comforters (Yes, I have multiple comforters on my bed. Comfort is important, you see.). So I very angrily had to throw them in the wash and search the house for more comforters. I had to settle for a thin Scooby Doo blanket.

I am giving you incredibly pointless details. The point is that my bed is, in my opinion, the best place in my entire house and under no circumstances will I let anyone defile it, so I will probably never ever let that dog set foot on it again.

That dog is probably mine now. We tacked up FOUND signs around my neighborhood and asked a few neighbors if they'd ever seen it, but the dog seems to be a stray. We might just take it. My parents were threatening to call the pound about this dog, but today my Mom bought a dog collar and treats and has been inciting debates about dog names at dinner (My 3-year-old sister, Katie, the photogenic one, suggested Polly Pocket, Gabriella Montes, or Vanessa Hutchens.). I believe this dog might be here to stay. In which I'll have to start calling her something other than "puppy."

I might have myself a new companion for long walks.

Until the future, dear reader...

Emily

Playing With Light

2007-12-23T22:19:00.000-07:00

Allow me to showcase some of my semi-bad but not horrible photography:

The above photo is my brother Jimmy outside church this morning. He is taking refuge in my shadow.

This is my sister Katie and my brother Jimmy. Cute kids.

I had a photo shoot today with Katie and apple. Fun stuff but unfortunately no exceptional results.

I'm lucky, though, because it's incredibly difficult to take a bad picture of Katie.

See, even the bad photos look good with this girl.

So it's easy to end up with shots that I really like, like this one. I totally love my sister.

Sometimes she may doze off in front of the camera...

...Or even get a little exasperated...

But we usually both end up feeling pretty satisfied with my shots. =D

We had my Mom's side of the family over for her birthday dinner tonight. This is my brother David and my Grandpa. I'll leave it to you to guess which one's which.

These are some of my boy cousins being, well, boy cousins.

These are my brothers Tommy and Billy. They're really really happy to see me.

This is Billy, still uncontainably excited, about 10 minutes before he threw a ball across the top of that bookshelf knocking over those candles and spilling hot wax and broken glass everywhere. Oh, we've had a great night. You've just got to love those family get-togethers. Tonight we are left with the souvenir of a large red spot of wax on the wall that I've artistically and creatively entitled Blood Stain. We were discussing the idea of framing it and calling it modern art, but I think we may eventually just end up cleaning it.

So I couldn't resist. I had to take more Katie photos. This girl really makes me look like a good photographer. She's gonna grow up to be a total hottie (hell, she already is), but boys, keep in mind I'm watching you.

She's just so damn CUTE!!

I close with an artistic self-portrait.

Maybe two self-portraits. This is what I did when I was (well, instead of) getting ready for dinner tonight.

Have a good night, ladies and gentlemen!! Excitingly enough, I have a dog to take care of tonight! My 16-year-old dog Barkley died about a year ago and in the past month or two I've been trying to convince my Mom to let me get another dog (I really want something to go on walks with that I DON'T have to talk to). She has adamantly and persistently said no, but tonight a dog literally showed up on my doorstep. I think it's one of my neighbor's dogs, but it had a rope tied tightly around its neck that had been broken. This dog clearly ran away from somewhere. We'll probably take it out tomorrow knocking on doors to try to find owners, but tonight...I have a dog.

It's cool to have a dog in my bed with me but I'm slightly worried that I'll wake up to pee stains on my comforter...and my hands already smell strongly of dog.
Damn it.

But it's okay. How can I complain?

Happy Christmas Eve Eve,
Emily

Insanity

2007-12-20T21:45:00.000-07:00

One More Day...Let's Hope I Don't Die

This is what I wrote on Tuesday night, the last time I blogged:

"It feels like I have an incredible amount of stuff to do, but I really don't."

HA HA HA HA HA. I am clearly full of shit! It's about 10 PM on Thursday night and I have a mind-boggling amount of work to do!! I feel like I have been hit by a train about three times over and am now expected to run 7,000 miles nonstop with paralyzed feet! Really! That's exactly what I feel like! It's a pretty desperately horrible feeling!

It's not like I've idiotically procrastinated this week...I haven't. I actually have been somewhat focusing through all these school days. I've actually been able to stay focused a couple times this week which is really something monumental for me. I'm usually viewed as some sort of model student but in all honesty my attention span and thought capacity usually feel nonexistent. There's always people to talk to, daydreams to fall into, and other such nonsensical activities that are more interesting and meaningful than schoolwork.

I got a 2 out of 10 on a math quiz today. That was pretty embarassing. I had to put up with hearing my friend saying, "Major!!! What happened?? I told you!!"

I stared blankly."You told me what?"
"I showed you all the points for the unit circle!"

"Oh. Well damn. Look at this, they're all wrong!"

"Yes. Major, I told you!!"

What I'm saying is, model student, my ass.

See, because I am such an exceptional epitome of an ideal high school student, here I am blogging when I have about 40 pages to read and a paper to write! Brilliant!

If you'll notice, I really don't want to do my schoolwork. Plus I'm kind of stressed to the point of insanity. This is indeed the last schoolnight of 2007.

I stayed at school 'till 6 today working on the yearbook cover, which is incidentally due by the end of this week, so...tomorrow. I am floored by how time-consuming moving pictures around in Photoshop can be. It's unbelievable. Of course, I could be slower than most, considering that the first time I even touched Photoshop was yesterday (in which I resized the entire cover to about 2 square inches, not knowing how to reverse my blunder, which was somewhat panic-inducing). But the pictures on our cover have been arranged. I was kind of shaking when I finished, after staring so much at a computer for so long, but I was proud to finish something today. The cover might actually turn out to look like a yearbook cover! Thrilling!

Of course, there is a plethora of other tasks in my life that must be done, which I will actually get to now.

Restlessness

2007-12-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

This will be short tonight.

Because this is the last week of my semester, I am *trying* to stay somewhat focused on schoolwork. I'm not really succeeding, but what matters is being able to pull off A LOT OF SHIT at the last minute. I do not, however, want to wait until the last EXTREME minute so maybe I'll try to start at the last hour or so.

It feels like I have an incredible amount of stuff to do, but I really don't. Well, I have 3 papers to write in two days, and then a powerpoint presentation to get started on, but none of it is really hard. I think I can totally do it. Especially if I tackle one of the English papers tonight. I usually write my papers in a 10PM-3AM time frame the night before they're due, and I end up with a decent outcome.

So I feel okay now but ask me Wednesday and Thursday nights, that might change.

Ack. I'm really restless tonight (which may be because most of what I drank today had a lot of caffeine...I think my heart rate has been abnormal all day), yet I can't really find anything I want to write right now.

Well huh. Telling a story would take too long.

I'm not in any psycho emotional state, just a lot of restlessness.

In that case, I actually will do homework.

Good night,

Emily

Baby Portraits

2007-12-17T20:44:00.000-07:00

This is Charlie.

Absolutely, unarguably, one of the most incredibly cutest babies EVER. Try and argue with me, just try. I love this little brother like crazy.

Just look at that second picture! Oh my gosh could he get any cuter??

Even though he cries a lot and doesn't let me get my homework done there are still things like this which make me love him insanely. =D

Ah, babies.

Sleepy Saturday

2007-12-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

This is so cool.

So this is amazing!! Ha ha!! I only just discovered this website, imeem, where you can stream entire songs for free...I'm pretty thrilled. They aren't available for free download, which is okay because I tend not to trust free downloads at all...I've had bad experiences with this PC completely dying...it's a nightmare that I never want to witness again.

But okay. I could totally get into the habit of posting songs with my blog entries.
=D

I've recently fallen in love with Sugarcult. I've had one of their albums for years, yet its been one of those forgotten collection of songs that I've never really cared for. But I've recently discovered, damn, they're good.

This song, "Pretty Girl," is especially thrilling. I hope you enjoy it. And I hope the html actually works.

*****

So you know how I said I was tired on Friday? I really was. Because I didn't do much on Saturday besides sleep. I didn't read, I didn't watch TV...I just wrote a little bit, I ate, I picked up my brother from mandatory Saturday study hall at school, and I slept. I stayed in bed sporadically sleeping until 11:30 AM, then after that took two or three 1-2 hour naps. I don't even know, it was all a haze. I went to church that night, got home at about 9:30 or 10, then fell asleep before midnight and slept till 8:30 AM.

It's been so nice. When I said I felt deprived of 3 years of sleep...I was right!

Now today, Sunday, is homework day. Unfortunately.
How quickly the weekends fly by.

But I have one more week of school in 2007. After this point, I am sure senior year were fly by faster than any of us will really realize...then we'll be graduating.

My God, how can we already be reaching this point?

Babysitting

2007-12-14T23:13:00.000-07:00

Really, really tired Friday night

Here's that video I promised:

I told you it was random. But it is so cool!! Ha ha Oh my God!!

Now that you've seen that, your day should be fulfilled. How can a giant pink bunny not make you feel really really good?

Well, it makes me want to laugh.

Anyways, this is my second night babysitting (outside of my home) this week. It's hard to put kids to bed without curling up and falling asleep myself. I've been falling asleep since about 8 PM. I woke up a little when two boys jumped on me screaming and calling me a horse (that was actually some of the most fun I've had all day), but now that they're sleeping, I'm having a little trouble erasing thoughts of my own bed from my mind.

11:30 PM... I'll be home soon.
No one better be waking me up tomorrow. I fully intend to spend my Saturday sleeeeeeeping. I feel like I've been deprived of a good 3 years of sleep.
Whew.

A lie.

2007-12-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

I'm coming clean, please don't let go!

I also saw this song live. I love this video. Motion City is becoming known for creating some strange and random videos. Particularly noteworthy is that of a giant pink bunny. I'll try to post that video next time.

This post is going to have to be short tonight. In all truth, I shouldn't be meandering online at all; I have a painful amount of reading to do tonight. However, I have the bad habit of blogging and writing before all my homework is done. (Yes. I am indeed quite an irresponsible child.) It's just that if I do all my homework first, I don't know if I'll do anything else. By the time I get all appropriate housework and homework done, I'm so tired that I'll collapse on my bed until I am woken by the screaming radio of my alarm clock. I do that anyways...but fun comes before homework. I'm sorry. My priorities are clearly quite screwed.

So I spend a lot of schooldays throwing homework to the wind and instead of typing essays in the computer lab, I spend a good 65 minutes arguing about nothing with my friends. Many people, particuarly those older than myself, may disagree with my way of thinking, but I view most everything else I do to be more worthwhile than homework. Talking about sweet nothings with my friends after school in the student life office, rather than trying to make sense of my math notes makes my life much more beautiful. And that's what I care about. Not math notes.

At the end of the day, even though I'm collapsing in fatigue after writing essays till 3 in the morning, I can stare at the ceiling and laugh about the day's events. Remembering something as simple as the short notes my friend Cindy and I leave in our locker between class periods, or even Victor and Johnny ruining my hair before first period even starts, is a lot more fulfilling than trying to memorize sine and cosine formulas.

I have a B in Calculus, anyways.

What I'm saying is that I find a lot of things to be more important homework. Homework is necessary but not very fun to look back on.

I said this was going to be short tonight. I think I lied.

It's 10:30 PM and I still have a large amount of painful pages to plow through.

*Sigh*

Too bad dissing homework doesn't make it go away.

A Small Scene In My House

2007-12-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

Strike up that song.

I begin this blog with a video: some music while you read!

I saw this song live at Sunday's concert. Great stuff.

Now this blog is not going to be long tonight, I am actually planning on doing my homework and I have a lot of writing to do tonight.
But I didn't want to neglect my pointless internet rantings.

As terrible as my house can be sometimes, sometimes it really makes me want to laugh. I came upstairs a couple minutes ago to discover a group of strange people milling around my house: An Argentinian priest listening to my little brother recite the "Padre Nuestro" in Spanish, an Italian couple, the woman walking around my house handing out candy, jabbering, "Cioccolato per i bambini!", and an American couple, my friends' parents, her mother taking pictures of my parents with her cell phone, exclaiming, "You guys look like you're still in school!"

Maybe I'm a little too tired, but I found the whole scene really funny. I know, you probably don't.

Here are some cute random things:

I know these pictures are kind of tacky, but I've always thought they were heart-wrenchingly cute. Find them at this website.

I'm out. Children to shut up and homework to do.

Wish me luck,
Emily

Concert!

2007-12-10T22:18:00.000-07:00

I went!!

I did! I did!! Oh my God I went to my first concert last night!! It was completely thrilling!! I can’t believe!! I was riding this high from it all day!
My friends looked at me like I was some kind of moron this morning. First period was especially ridiculous, in that I seemed really disoriented and I laughed a lot.
I was really exhausted and a big part of me was still at that CONCERT!!
So my 1st period English friends threw out a lot of “hilarious” comments about my alleged possession of illegal substances, and wonderings of what I did this weekend, and what I smoked at that concert. I put up with being called a crack addict for a good part of the morning, and denied many times accusations of the existence of contraband in my brand new beautiful, Motion City Soundtrack “EVEN IF IT KILLS ME” (name of their newest record) bag, which I proudly toted around for most of the day.

Like this:
Okay, so I look a little tired. It’s late. I am sleep deprived. It is Monday. I came home to a chaotic night at home. Victor and Johnny at school thought it was funny today to shake their hands over the top of my head while singing that annoying Hawaiian Christmas song, about 70 times today.
It’s been something of a rough Monday.
BUT. I have this bag. Which you must admit it pretty damn COOL!! Especially because nobody at school knows who MCS is, so I get to proudly tell them, “Oh they’re my favorite band ever. I went to their concert last night, and it was fantastic because I’m basically in love with their lead singer. See, look,” I say as I show them my pins. Notice the pins on the handle of my bag.
What can I say. I just love this band.

When I get obsessive over something, I get emotional-obsessive. Angsty-obsessive. If-I-don’t-have-it-I-am-going-to-die-obsessive. Motion City is something like that for me.

So it was a great concert. Metro Station, Anberlin, and Mae were openers. The first two bands I’d never heard of. They were…as good as a band can be when you know nothing about them or their songs. They were nice, though. Mae was phenomenal. I went through a Mae phase one or two years ago, and I don’t really know any of their new stuff, but everything I heard from them was fantastic. They played a few songs from the album I do know, and when I heard their song “Suspension,” I was really psyched because I’ve always loved that song and hearing it live was AWESOME. They were very talented and beautiful. I really enjoyed Mae.

Then Motion City came on. Finally. This was a moment I’d seriously been waiting for months, years, even. I SAW JUSTIN PIERRE IN THE FLESH!!! Not to mention the talented Josh Cain, Tony Thaxton, Jesse Johnson, and Matt Taylor.
Phenomenal.
I’ve been obsessing over their songs, pictures, websites, blogs, interviews, videos, everything for 2 years, and I finally actually SAW them!! It was unreal. I saw my hero Justin Pierre, mere feet away from me, looking just like he does in all the pictures, singing just like I’ve always heard him. UNREAL!! I have the mental picture seared into my brain. His trademark hair. His glasses. Justin Pierre. I saw him. I saw him. I SAW HIM!!!!!

I’m like those girls who were crazy over the Beatles in the 60’s. Ha ha. I am so iiiinnnnn loooooveeee!! (Just let me act really immature for a couple seconds here, I’m really enjoying it!)

Motion City was just as good in concert as I always imagined they would be. Pierre was really animated and put on some good dialogue with the crowd. He joked around, he made fun of his own mistakes…the guy seems to have a great way with words, as well. I can’t tell you how much I admire that in people.
I’m pretty damn smitten!

So it was nice. Whew.
I just wish I could have met them!! Maybe someday I will be lucky enough to do so! I would absolutely love it!!

I felt pretty emotional when the concert was over. Almost like crying. Like I said, I’m emotional/angsty-obsessive. I was sooo so close to my Motion City, and then…they were gone.

Oh, but they were brilliant. It’s just stuck in my mind. The whole experience was kind of a blur, like, “Oh my God I’m in a sea of people and they’re all jumping and falling into me and oh damn someone’s stepping on my foot. Ah! I’m falling into the tall guy behind me, oh wow” and “AAHH!!!! JUSTIN PIERRE!!! LOOK LOOK LOOK JUSTIN PIERRE!!! HOW BRILLIANT IS THIS!?!?” It was all a haze. But looking back…wow. As I said, I have this image seared into my brain. And their sound…it was so much like their recordings! But of course LOUDER! And more real!

Phew. It was fantastic. Brilliant. I’ll be excited to do that again.

There's Not Enough Snow, But I Have Photos!

2007-12-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

Hello, readers!

I'm kind of thrilled to see that some people are viewing my blog. I had about 10 views since yesterday, and they weren't me. Setting up that site visit counter at the bottom of my page has been good for my morale. =D

People like you are both seeing my blog and looking at my profile, and I thank you! Clearly my writings aren't anything particularly substantial but I do enjoy posting them. It makes me feel that I have some sort of audience, and knowing that makes me write a lot better.

That post from yesterday? I spent an estimated 2 hours on it. Maybe more. Now does that reveal how big of a dork I am? I got home on Friday night and I really felt like writing. It's kind of strange that I'm writing personal essays for fun but I actually really DID enjoy writing it and I think it turned out kind of nicely.
Yeah?

Denver's getting big snow this weekend (I'm sorry. I'm talking to you about the weather. I'm kind of short for words today but I want to write something). After sleeping and watching NUMB3RS episodes for hours in my room this afternoon, I was surprised to see a heavy blanket of snow on the ground when I looked out my front window. Let me look again.

Oh. Not as much snow as I thought. Just a couple inches. I was thinking in the 2-foot range. I'm disappointed. I usually don't like snow, or cold, or anything really associated with winter at all except maybe cute coats and hats and the way my nose gets red in the cold. I like the way the cold gives my face some color. I also like scarves. I love scarves. Aside from that though, winter is a pain in the ass, as is snow, unless of course I am skiing on it.
I just wanted a lot of snow tonight because I really don't want to go to church tomorrow morning. This weekend all I really want to do is sleep.
I lead a terribly exciting life, I know.
So right now I'm fantasizing how my house should look 6 AM tomorrow...6 foot snowbanks blocking my front door. How wonderful would it be to say, Oh, darn, looks like we won't be able to move the car today. Looks like I'll have to spend the day at home staying warm in bed.

That unfortunately is not the case right now. I'm sad to see tire marks on the road, which means of course that conditions are drive-able right now.
I can't even barricade myself in my bedroom because I'm stuck upstairs caring for crying children who are actually beating themselves up pretty badly tonight. My 12-year old brother felt justified in knocking two small children down onto the floor because he was hit by my 8-year-old sister.
Then when I yell at him he insists that he did nothing wrong.

I put up with chaos on a daily basis.

Let me show you a picture of my family. Just for kicks.
Photos make blogs much more interesting.

This isn't even all of us. This picture was taken in the summer of 2006. Since then another baby boy has been born and my mother is now expecting baby #12. But this is the most recent decent picture of most of the whole gang. I'm the tall redhead standing behind my parents. The kid in the right-hand corner is the second oldest. He's not that short. I don't know why but he is sinking into something there in the back row. He's actually taller than me now.

Now for some more pictures. This is fun.

This is my baby brother, Charlie, not pictured in the family photo. He's a real cutie, I love him a lot.

This is my brother in a skirt. I have nothing more to say to that.

This is one of my TV boyfriends, Charlie from LOST. Best show on television. No matter what you say, LOST is amazing. Because of this guy, I call my baby brother "Chah-lee" all the time.

This is another TV boyfriend, Jim Halpert from The Office. I am crazy over this guy.

This is me, my best friend Iliana, and my piano on prom night of Junior year. I had a killer dress that I loved. It just wasn't very dance-friendly.

This is my sister Katie being unspeakably cute. This was part of a candid trampoline photoshoot last summer. Tons of fun.

This is my brother and me being rebellious little shits. Heh heh.

This is my sister Lucy and me on Christmas Eve of my sophomore year. I look deranged, but hey, we like to have fun.

I love this picture. Katie is wearing a pirate bandana. She is still unspeakably cute. That's my sister Mary in the background giving me a killer smile.

This is me and Iliana on New Year's 2007. I look pretty stupid when I laugh, but this is definitely us. :)

This is me and my brother Michael. We're the only two redheads in my family. I think we're pretty lucky. :)

Well, I think I've posted enough photos for the night. I may post more random photos another day. Maybe I'll just start taking more pictures in order to better document my life.

Anyways, I'm off to do something actually productive now.

Happy Saturday.

Outrageous Love

2007-12-08T00:18:00.000-07:00

It’s all about ‘08

My high school held their second pep rally of the year today. The previous pep rally, held a couple months ago for fall sports, was something of a disaster. It began with 4 senior girls and myself singing the national anthem. The nicest way I can put this is that we completely sucked. The crowd laughed without shame. We screwed up the song horribly, leading the student body to giggling sacrilege in the middle of our country’s national song.

After looking at each other in deep horror and humiliation, the senior singers sat down to watch the rest of the pep rally; A freshman dancing with our bulldog mascot and the teachers playing basketball. I believe there were more yawns than cheers in the bleachers that day.

Today, however, was different. Imagine this: faces painted in bold blue letters (AJHS!), blue and white ribbons nestled festively in girls’ ponytails, a sea of navy blue hoodies, t-shirts, hats and other high school related apparel, amid the roaring cheers of "OH-EII-EIGHT!!!! OH-EII-EIGHT!!!" The teacher emceeing the event gave up in telling us to stop cheering already and sat defiantly on the gym floor until we would cease the madness.

I usually am not particularly enthusiastic in holding school spirit, but in that moment I was so thrilled to be a member of my strong senior class, I couldn’t remove the enormous cheesy grin from my face. Yes, this is MY school.

*****

As part of my school’s "Spirit Week," we had a "Deck the Halls" contest yesterday after school. Classes were assigned school hallways to decorate for the holidays. The class with the best hall on Friday would win a "possible dress down day" (Not a very promising bribe, but a bribe nonetheless). At the end of the day, the contest was announced, ice cream bars were distributed (one of the perks of spirit week!), and classes were expected to start adorning their respective hallways. Seniors conversed in the Student Life Office. Juniors played foosball in the corner of the cafeteria. Sophomores ruled the front steps. The Freshmen actually started working, putting all upperclassmen to shame.

Seniors were responsible for the foyer. We thought our decorating process was progressing quite well as we set up a 6-foot artificial Christmas tree that we had taken without permission from the Student Life Program (AJHS’s version of Student Council). As the tree lay in pieces on the floor, a teacher breezed by us commenting, "You should see the freshmen, they’re kicking ass." Bullshit, we thought, as some of us snuck over to the freshman hall. And then we saw: dozens of freshmen crawling on the floor, up the walls, swinging from the ceiling; wrapping mock present boxes, taping bows to the walls, hanging mini Christmas lights. And Oh my God, we thought in a panic. The freshmen cannot win this.

And so then we really set to work. Teams were sent on high priority missions to Dollar Tree, Safeway, to any place where they might purchase anything reminiscent of Christmas. Seniors remaining at school covered cafeteria tables with rolls of paper and busied themselves in measuring, tracing, and cutting.

When I left school that day, seniors were still working diligently, creating a glittery, papery mess. I told my freshman brother that his class was probably, unfortunately, going to win the contest.

*****

I arrived at school the next day to see life-size numbers covering four of the front doors:

2008.

Oh, what a feeling. The seniors shone through absolutely brilliantly. Some of them had stayed at the school until 7 or 8 PM, perfecting our hall. Our stolen tree was beautifully adorned with an abundance of silver tinsel and intertwined by thick blue and silver ribbon. A banner reading "SENIORS" in tall, black elegant leaders hung behind it. Small white lights dangled gracefully in front of the banner. The door to the stairs held an oversized Christmas stocking, with all 55 seniors’ names written on it. Glittery paper snowflakes dressed the inside of the front doors. Cloth snowflake tree ornaments were suspended from the fluorescent light fixtures.

It was indeed a winter wonderland, skillfully created by brilliant and innovative members of my senior class. Upon seeing this ingenuity, I became very energized, as if I’d just downed a tall, strong coffee. But I was caffeine free and still on fire! (I was also very, very proud.)

*****

The anticipated announcement at today’s pep rally that the SENIORS had WON Deck the Halls was followed by an eruption of screaming, laughing, jumping and overwhelming cheers. We WON!!! The CLASS OF 2008 came through!!! It was quite thrilling. I eagerly leaped into action with the school camera.

I was the unofficial photographer of the pep rally and honestly had the time of my life pointing and shooting. I am sure I looked like some kind of obsessive idiot running around the gym trying to catch an optimal shooting angle, and rudely climbing over sophomores in the bleachers to take pictures of kids in the back row, but it didn’t matter because I am extremely satisfied with some of the today’s shots. As an aspiring photographer, I am more than willing to be an obnoxious pain in the ass in order to capture a good photo. It can be somewhat awkward standing directly in front of a screaming crowd of teenagers pointing a camera at them, but I would go through that 100 times over to get shots like I did today. It’s art. And shit, you gotta do what you gotta do. It often turns out wonderfully. It feels pretty good, viewing those photos over and over again, saying, Yep, that one’s mine. I took it! I immortalized that emotional moment.

*****

Today was quite a day. Quite a day.

May the Class of 2008 continue to kick incredible ass!!

Pandemonium

2007-12-05T21:44:00.000-07:00

Nihilism, Bedlam, Disarray, Mobocracy, Turmoil, Insert Synonym Here.

God, My house is fucking chaos. Excuse my English. But it is absolute anarchy. Days like this make me remember why I decide to spend so much of my life at my school. I usually prefer being surrounded by screaming friends and classmates than pregnant mothers, angsty 14-year-olds, overly-energetic grade schoolers, and crying, neglected babies. Plus there is shit all over the floor. SHIT EVERYWHERE. The kitchen floor today was littered with quite a variety: Couch pillows, plastic kid cups, crayons, spilled water, books and god-knows-what-else. I’m carrying around a heavy weight in my mind today, with a big paper due tomorrow that I still have to start…When I got home and saw the kitchen floor today, I felt like crying.

I’m kind of fragile at the moment.

And my bitching session should be over for the time being.

Look what I bought today:

That’s right.
I’M GONNA SEE MY BAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM GOING TO SEE MY HERO(ES) IN PERSON!!!! IT IS ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!
I’m a little excited.

I’m still kind of shocked that I actually pulled this off.
My parents are letting me go to a concert.
This is monumental.

Needless to say, this will be my first concert. My friend Maria is coming with me. She is not a Motion City fanatic like I am but she also is marveling at our good fortune.

I AM GOING TO SEE JUSTIN PIERRE. He is almost my God.
This is thrilling.

-----------------------

So I had pages upon pages of words backed up in my mind as I was furiously scrubbing dishes this evening, and now I’ve typed about one page in a Word document and I feel like I’m done.

But I’ve said what I need to say, some ungrateful complaining about the state of my home and a few all-caps sentences about Motion City.

Now on to that damn essay.

Prioritizing?

2007-12-04T10:02:00.000-07:00

So I haven’t been here in a while

How many entries do I begin saying, “Gee, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything in here. I am a worthless human being!”

I am no longer going to say that.
It is pointless.
I am not a worthless human being; I am simply doing other things.

So I stumbled into this website—Pandora. It’s web radio, more complex than what I’ve been using before…Yahoo’s Launchcast. Now I’ll probably keep listening to Launchcast but Pandora is pretty nice as well…check it out!

Another good website– Brotherhood2.0. It’s a video blog of author John Green (one of my favorite writers, author of the brilliant Looking for Alaska) and his brother, Hank. Whether or not you are a John Green fan, their videos should be hilarious…I always find them quite entertaining.

That’s really all I have to say at the moment.
I should be getting some work done today. I find it funny how much time people really waste at work. Well, it’s not exactly time wasted because without breaks, humanity would likely be driven to insanity, but if you think about it, how much time do we spend at work/school/wherever we go doing things that are entirely unnecessary?

I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I’m not some efficiency freak or anything.
God, no.

I just wonder how much more work I could have gotten done in my lifetime if I didn’t do things like … I don’t know, what is it exactly that I do all the time? Somehow everything seems somehow worthwhile to me, from the data entry I’m working on today to the mocha coffee drink I made. It’s all worthwhile, all part of life. Most everything any of us do is NOT a waste of time. Somehow you can learn something from every action you take, every interest you follow. How could it possibly be a waste of time? The important thing is just prioritizing all the stuff you do. What’s more important, the college application or getting through season 1 of NUMB3RS? (Great show, actually. I would recommend that too.)

I’m done talking! Until later!

Cleaning

2007-11-23T17:42:00.000-07:00

Lots and lots of stuff.

I've spent the last hour or so cleaning my bedroom and it looks no better than it did when I started.
Why is that you ask?
Well, I do suck at cleaning. Combine that with the fact that I have a plethora of old stuff and strong feelings of nostalgia this time of year (change of seasons has weird effects on me), and there is ... no real cleaning at all! Just sorting through...stuff. Lots and lots of it. I forgot that I had an entire drawer full of college mail. In Junior year, I would take my daily stack of college information and throw it in the drawer. Then the drawer filled up and I started throwing away the mail on the spot.
It's just so much.
How do I handle what is probably literally tons of college books and brochures, each and every one of them claiming that their school is the best??
Yeah RIGHT!!

It's overwhelming.

So I filled a kitchen trash bag with college mail. It was unbelievably heavy.

Why am I writing about this? Could I even pick a more boring subject?

I was talking about cleaning my room. I spent so much time doing so and it does not look better. But I did empty a drawer. I mean, that is something, isn't it?

Oh man. I'm totally going to get kicked off the computer in about 60 seconds. Parental stuff.

Bye!!!

Forever Young

2007-11-19T20:36:00.000-07:00

I forgot how truly great this song is.

"December" by Weezer. This song is just so...great. I can't find an actual recording of it, but this live version, despite the static, is actually not that bad. In all honesty, I might just cry my eyes out if I saw this live.

What's funny about this song is, it's really only good in the winter. Now of course it is called "December." Incidentally, I believe I discovered this song in November 2 or 3 years ago. If I remember correctly, I fall in love with it every winter.
It's winter, again, folks. An expected 30 degrees or so coming in this week. With snow. Snow. I can almost smell it. It's starting to feel like winter.

I don't even like snow. Unless it can get me out of school, it's usually just biting cold and a pain in the ass. But Weezer sounds really, REALLY good again. If I can attribute that to the cold outside, then it's okay.

Weezer is just one of the greatest bands in the world for me, because, though I'm not always into them, they will always remain one of my firsts. When I dived into the world of music and records about 3 years ago (Yeah, I never seriously listened to music until about freshman year of high school) Weezer was basically my first musical love.

Perfect Situation. Only in Dreams. Hold Me. Buddy Holly. My Name is Jonas. No Other One. My Best Friend. The Other Way. Haunt You Every Day. Glorious Day. Mykel and Carli. And, of course, December. Oh, December.

Dozen!

2007-11-18T20:04:00.001-07:00

Yes, it's true.

If you know me, you probably know that I am the oldest (therefore the exhausted and infuriated babysitter) of 11 children. (Plus one in heaven. Miscarriage.)
Well.
It has just come to my attention that our clan may reach a dozen. As in Cheaper By.
Okay. Bad joke. I'm sorry. Just let me say it before anyone else does.

Yes, folks, my mother is pregnant yet again.

It's funny, because I figured it out before anyone else did. Most nights before we're all sent off to bed we say prayers as a family, standing in a circle in the living room. Everyone somehow (well, sometimes) manages to quiet themselves for about 4 minutes at the end of the day. And everyone is given the chance to pray out loud. My younger sister Katie, who I believe to be 3 years old, prayed that my mother would have another baby. This was the only time I have ever heard her say this, so when I looked at my parents' faces, I knew. Holy crap. There is another one.

I was right. Katie didn't know anything when she said the prayer, but it turns out that was the day my Mom found out she was pregnant.
Trippy.

I'm just glad I was successfully able to read my parents' faces. =D It's some skill I like to believe that I have. With my family at least, I can usually tell when anyone is lying or nervous or trying to hide anything. For instance...one of my brothers happened to spill a cup of pee on himself while playing in the basement. (This makes me want to both laugh and vomit at the same time. This is the kind of stuff that happens around my house.) Now, I have absolutely no idea why there is a container of urine in our basement. It's incredibly disturbing, and God knows how long it sat there, but there is no question that, yes, it was pee.

My Mom wasn't really happy. She hasn't been too pleased this weekend with her children's insane behavior. This is something I heard yesterday as I was reading in my bedroom:

Children had been laughing wildly for about 10 minutes. There were some thumps and screams but this has almost become white noise to me, so I usually disregard it. In the midst of the hyena-like laughing, I heard heavy footsteps coming down the stairs. Oh damn, I think. Mom's coming. Maybe I should start looking busy. Clean my room or something and pretend that I'm at least semi-productive. I didn't have to worry, though, because whatever she had come downstairs for seemed to be instantly forgotten, as she started screaming: "WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING???"
Laughter transformed instantly into an uncomfortable silence.
"WHAT IS GOING ON??"
I dropped my book, focusing totally on the forming chaos in the adjacent room.
"I JUST CLEANED THIS ROOM!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS BOX???"
"Michael was in it," said one of my sisters.
"WHY WAS MICHAEL IN THE BOX?? DO YOU THINK I SPEND ALL THIS TIME PUTTING STUFF IN THE BOX SO YOU KIDS CAN CLIMB IN IT AND TRAMPLE IT??"
More uncomfortable silence. Then...a child sobbing.
"YOU GUYS ACT LIKE TOTAL ANIMALS!! ANIMALS!!"
My Mom storms upstairs, the crying continues, and I pick up my book again.

Anyways, my Mom has been dealing with this kind of stuff all week. Well, okay, all her life, actually, but this week seems particularly bad. Plus the little ones have been sick and having a time throwing up all over anything, namely the interior of our car. Now our car isn't really that nice (It's an old green 12-passenger van with a wrench holding one of the sidemirrors in place) but a perpetual vomit smell does not improve our car's state at all. It's been a hectic week.
My poor mother.

So discovering that one of her boys is a.) peeing in cups downstairs and b.) LEAVING them there for their other lucky siblings to discover does not improve my mother's mood.
As we all sit down at the dinner table, my mother again begins to call us animals. "Were you guys born in a BARN?? Why don't I just feed you HAY for dinner??" Most of us stared solemnly at our plates. I looked at the boys and, again, using my face-reading abilities, I knew who it was. Guilty. As. Charged.
I didn't say anything, though. I'm not that much of a jerk.

It's been a good day, though. Pee in a cup and pregnancy.
All in a day at the Major household!

I am failing English.

2007-11-15T01:15:00.001-07:00

My pride is about to shatter, because, my God, I am failing English.

After the chronic nightmare that was freshman year, I didn't think I would ever do badly in English class again.
But now ... I have a huge, ugly F. In English. I might even become temporarily ineligible for certain extracurriculars.

And it's not my science or math classes that I'm failing, oh no. English class. English.
My excuse: I'm slacking quite terribly.
Which is why I am no longer writing in here and I am going to desperately search SparkNotes for last minute assistance on my essays.

I'm out.
Say hello to a late night.

Emily

I rock, I know.

2007-10-02T00:31:00.000-06:00

Ha Ha!

Man! YesyesyesyesYES!!!! Do I rock, or do I rock? Tell me I don't rock! I know! I rock! I freaking rule!!

I wrote four (4!) scholarship essays tonight...all about my life which isn't that great but sounds AWESOME on paper. HA! I can totally do all this!! I can GO to college even though I have no idea where the hell that will be yet!

But I can DO it! I can put word to paper, and it is POWER, it is BOUNDLESS, it is PERFECTION.

...

I'm really happy with my essays, can you tell?
And if I get this full ride scholarship, I. will. be. infinitely. happy.
Okay, maybe not inifinitely... but I think I would feel really good.
Cross your fingers, kids.
And hope my essays look as good tomorrow morning as they do right now...

¡Que vivan las palabras!
(Tell me that makes sense, please, I HATE looking like an idiot in Spanish!)

Generations

2007-09-21T23:05:00.000-06:00

Happy Friday.

I'm trying to think of something interesting/witty to say. I could recollect my day, but really no one cares about that.
a.) school, b.) leaving school early, c.) 2 hours in a bus, d.) volleyball game (I still sucked, with the exception of my serves which didn't...), e.) two more hours on a bus, f.) boredom, g.) Wendy's, h.) family members eating your frosty without your permission (those ASSholes.), i.) home, j.) internet, k.) blog.

That was my day.

Wow.

I totally have nothing to say.
I am a boring person.

Oh.

I got another myspace.

I feel like an idiot because I've basically spent the past year of my life telling people that I refuse to sign up for myspace.
And the other day, I don't even know how it happened, I got bored, and thought 'oh why not, how 'bout a myspace?'

And here I am.
Damn it.

It's so trivial, for the love of God, there is no point to myspace but saying "Hey look at some sleazy pictures I took of myself."
Okay. Not always sleazy. I know people will read that and throw up their defenses..."MY pictures are good, MY pictures are fun!!!"
But truthfully?
They are all quite boring.
Honestly, no one gives a shit about the 10,000 self-portraits you took that one day when you were bored in your room.
No one wants to see you that bad. Unless they are a.) you, or b.) an obsessive stalker.

Wow. I'm not going to be one of those people who bitch all the time about how "our generation is going to the dogs" or whatever. No. "Our generation" actually has a lot of brilliance potential.

Or, at least, if we ARE idiots, we are not bigger idiots than those in the generation before us, even though they believe otherwise.

People are human. Whether you were born 2,000 years ago, or in the year 2000, you're human. I'm pretty sure. Everyone does the same kind of shit. Always. The things wrong with me are wrong with you, too.

What I'm saying that it's not right for people to better themselves because they are older or whatever. I've had people older than me tell me that I don't know anything because I have no experience. Or, "You will understand when you're older." Maybe I don't get some things, but please! Is it just me, or is that kind of stuff really demeaning?

I think a lot of people kind of forget what is to be young.
Some author, I forget who, said that "Everything you are in life, you are at sixteen." I think it means that teenagers still have emotions, you know? Sure, we're obsessive about myspace and text messaging, but do we know about life?
Yes.
Do we feel human emotion?
More than you know.
Like love?
Don't even get me started.

Teenagers ARE stupid sometimes. But for the love of God, we're not clueless!

(Do I make any sense?)

Talentless

2007-09-20T17:56:00.000-06:00

I thought I was on a good-day streak

Man I should stop talking because of course right when I acknowledge that life is good, then what happens but a shitty day. It's like, once I know that life is good, I have to work work work to keep it that way.

And when you're saying, "I am going to have a good day, damn it, whether I like it or not..." it doesn't really work.
Tomorrow is Friday.
What can I say.
Oh, only that I left homework at school.
Lovely.
There's another day late for that damned spanish homework.

I'm sorry.

Someone told me today as I was bitching about the disgusting state of my locker (It looks like someone carelessly threw all their shit in there...which is exactly what I did) that I worry too much about little things.
True.

I'm trying to calm the fuck down.
I don't know what it is. I don't know why I'm feeling so crazy. I don't know why my head is suddenly somewhere far, far away from here.
Take my volleyball practice today, for instance.
I couldn't. fucking. PLAY!
Felt like one of those freshman girls who steps on the volleyball court for the first time in her life in the hopes of actually enjoying high school. But oh, no, I have been playing since, what? -- Oh, right, 3rd grade. Every single year since 3rd grade I have joined the school volleyball team (with the exception of sophomore year), and somehow I still suck. Somehow it is still impossible for me to pass a volleyball to a girl standing five feet away.

It's kind of depressing.

So when I'm standing dejectedly on the volleyball court and sending balls flying about 4 miles away from where they should be, I marvel at how much talent I do not have for sports. It is not like I am one of those math nerds who never even looks at the gym so much as runs around in it. No. I have been an athlete since 3rd grade. Most people who play sports for years on end usually play, you know, well by the time they are a senior.

No, not me. No.

I realize that maybe I am just one of those people who is not cut out for sports. I've never dreamed of joining the Olympics or the WNBA. I have been known to enjoy volleyball games more for the hot guy sitting on the sidelines than for the way my team is actually playing. Score, who cares? So we're behind 30,000 points! That's not too bad! See, he's looking at me!

I'm pretty much a psycho when it comes to guys. Especially, you know, attractive ones.
But I am not going to get into that.
Unless you want to read 17 billion pages. Which you don't, I know. High school infatuation (madness, it is), what can I say?

I was talking about volleyball.
And me sucking at it.
And I had a good train of thought going about that, but it's almost gone.
But it's okay. It would have just been me bitching anyways. Same old shit.
Like my friend said, I am making a huge deal about little things.
I will shut up now.

I may not have any feasible talent, but .... well, I don't know what. But it could be worse, I guess.
Now check out this badass song!!

MCS love forever!

P.S. Thank you, Blogger, for your autosave function. I would have been very angry if it had not existed, Internet Explorer has the nerve to close on me unexpectedly. Props to you, Blogger.

Consistency

2007-09-19T22:32:00.000-06:00

Writing for my 3rd consecutive day in a row!

How often does that happen? Ha HA!
Consistency!

I won't blog again about my Motion City. The euphoria has settled, but of course I am still extremely satisfied with this album.

Crazy talent, it is.

Now what can I write about?

You must realize I am pretty boring.

I mean, I'm never bored ... I usually love my life too much to be bored ...

It's just that to anyone maybe outside looking in ... it might be boring ...

wait,

no.
YEAH RIGHT!

My life rocks, people. No lie.

School goes great--GREAT. For one, I love my friends (well, most of the time ... ha ha), I no longer stand on the sidelines wondering who I should be hanging out with and why, I am completely loving volleyball even though I suck at times, and I currently have 4 A+s.

It goes well. As far as I can say.

Of course there is a fair dose of insanity ... you know, friends in crisis, friends with mood swings, homework keeping me up until three AM (yeah. last night. Horrible.), but really, REALLY, if you were to ask me how I am enjoying senior year thus far --- LOVE it, baby, LOVE IT!!!

I'm out. Being screamed at by a.) unfinished homework and b.) dizzying sleep deprivation.

Maybe I will keep striking the consistency chord and blog tomorrow.

Until then. Or not.

Love always,

Me.

Euphoria!!

2007-09-19T00:14:00.000-06:00

I feel like I have fallen in love again.

Look at it. Taking up beautiful space on my dirty kitchen counter. (With a petunia. For added measure.)

It is MINE!!!
Even though we lost our volleyball game, and even though I drank too much Diet Coke and ate too many M&Ms and now feel very stomach-achey, my day was wonderful because of this staggeringly beautiful work of art!!

It's a fantastic record.
Enough said. Like my photograph doesn't already say it all.

Gonna be a great day, folks!

2007-09-17T20:31:00.001-06:00

I
am
so
unbelievably
excited.

Oh, my God, yes.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow!
NEW ALBUM!!
For the first time in my Motion City obsessive fandom they are releasing a NEEWWW ALBUMMM!!!!!

And (assuming I do not die and the record store does not catch on fire) it will be in my hands T-O-M-O-R-R-O-W! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Oh, there is college, and family, and friends, dreams, writing, the such ...
But THIS, this is what I live for!

Hopelessly in Love

2007-09-12T20:47:00.000-06:00

Want to see my idol?

You do. Look.

The one in the middle. With the hair and the glasses.
Want to say "Glorious and perfect example of a human being?"

I swear to high goodness, I would marry this man.

If you know who he is, BRAVO.
If not, don't worry about it, he's mine anyways, but shoot me a line at sweetmotioncitysound@yahoo.com (hint. hint.) if you would really like to know.

And. watch this video for a brief glimpse of the legendary Justin Pierre.

Hi.

2007-08-30T19:54:00.000-06:00

Check this out.

This is some mom with 6 kids living in somewhere in this country who posted an ebay listing with a humorous story below it. She was trying to sell some Pokemon cards that her kids snuck into the cart when they were at the store. She did not want these cards. So she posts them on ebay. Writes up a whole cute little story on ebay about her kids, the store, and how she got the cards. It was quite a cute story, actually. Made me smile. So anyways, she posts these cards on ebay and somehow (probably forwarded e-mail) this ebay link was circulated through cyberspace. That ebay listing got thousands of views and a bunch of watchers, and the cards sold for about $150.

Wow.

But it didn't end there. I find it very weird that this happened, but this particular ebay listing got so much attention that she started getting publishing deals.
Seriously.
Off an ebay listing.
I know.

She also has a blog. Which you may notice is my link at the top of this post.

It is wonderful.
It's just a log of a few of the kajillions of weird and un-normal things that happen in a household containing children.

I don't know how many teenagers would like this kind of stuff...I think most of her blog watchers now are those mothers who somehow have time to do nothing on the internet...but I find her stuff very well-written and she can usually give me a good laugh.
(I am the oldest of 11 children, as well, so while I know more than anyone that little kids are total pains in one's ass, I know that they can do some pretty damn funny stuff too. )
So I liked this blog.
Check it out, is all I'm saying. Remember this lady, she may just become a best-seller one day.

Now on to my life.
Ha.
Anything worth talking about?

Let me sit and think about that.
No.

Really.
I'm feeling a little angsty. Which is why I'm sitting in front of the damn computer and not doing my homework or cleaning the kitchen or doing anything that is productive in any way.

Lately I've had a lot of freaking words. A lot.
I wrote a nine-page note the other day to a friend.
Spent about all day on it.
Told her all about this boy crush sob-story I went through in sophomore year.
Not that you want to know.
I'm not telling you.
How much do you really want to know about 15-year-old boys?
(sigh)

Anyways.
Sorry.
I'm really developing a tendency to not be able to shut the **** up when I'm writing anymore.

There's so much nothing to say, I just want to get it all out!!

-----

Now one thing I want to talk about.
Liking people in high school.
So great....but so god damn angsty.
Oh my god.

What kind of torture is it to find your eyes scouring the hallways every passing period just for a glance of that ONE PERSON, hoping and maybe even praying that they *might* talk to you or something.
There's that. That sucks.
And then there's the jealous psycho you turn into every time you see said person talking to anything that resembles a female.
That sucks too.
And of course, the killer, when you actually DO get to talk to this person, and you find the conversation quite boring and uninteresting. (Oh my god. Deja Vu. Have I written about this before?)
It all sucks.
Infatuation.
Teenage "love"
It sucks beyond anything I know.

So try to watch out for it.
If you happen to be a desperate and hopeless teenager like myself, try not to like people too much.
It just sucks.
I promise.

Mild (?) Schizophrenia

2007-07-23T20:18:00.000-06:00

"Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia."

--E.L. Doctorow

Not that I'm like, a writer or anything. Because, well, I don't write enough for that. But, shit, can I at least claim that 'acceptable form of schizophrenia'?

Do normal people think random things, random bits of conversation that don't belong to you, haphazard, irrelevant ideas that you just have to throw out into the world? Does that happen to people who are not me?

Or does anyone else hold that incessant need to throw word onto paper? (Yeah. Okay. I'm using big words, I know. Trying to express myself in ways outside the norm. That's what writers do, isn't it?) Of course, as I said before, I don't classify as a writer. I mean, if you happened to stop me on the street and demand that I show you my written works, I might be able to show you a self-pitying poem written in sophomore biology class. That and some messy notebook pages reeking of headache-inducing amounts of Emily-angst from the past 6 years.

Yeah. Great. What a library I would make, right?

However--we must still acknowledge the fact that the written word is a special passion for me. How many teenagers today find excitement through book reviews? How many other people out there are the frequent companion to a nagging voice, incessantly whispering, write, write, write it down...

But yeah. Shit. That felt inspired, but my thought's gone now. Siblings watching Jurassic Park at top volume in the adjacent room does not in any way bolster my creativity.

So I am out.

Until next time, my nonexistant readers.

One of the reasons why writing can be difficult...

2007-05-21T19:53:00.000-06:00

Call me stupid, but every time I write in here I get this twinge that writing anything here at all is a total waste of time.

Well, it is...
but it's a good waste of time, you know?
A productive kind of waste of time.

I could be like...doing homework, but instead I'm writing blogs that no one will ever read!! Nice trade, right?

Hmmm.

But the reason that I keep writing (this is going to sound conceited) is because I love my own voice. Not my physical voice. But the voice in my head, which is often louder.
(QUOTE: "Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia" --E.L. Doctorow)

I've heard tiny voices so many times telling me to quit...don't write, it's pointless, it's hard, it's difficult to read later (and it really is sometimes), and why the hell would I write about my boring life??
I was really close a couple months ago to throwing all my notebooks into the fireplace....
And OH. MY. GOD, would that have been disastrous!!

My notebooks are like...they're like the coolest thing I've ever done! Of course sometimes when I read some of the stuff I wrote before, I really can't believe what an idiot I was (am).
But still. Regardless. It is the most priceless thing I really have, and lately I've gotten SO into writing...just writing about my life. About the shit that goes on. And sometimes I think it turns out SO GOOD....I think it's good at least....It still makes me emotional, lol, so there's at least SOME point in it.

Now if you'll notice, I've posted a video below. (YouTube is one of the best internet inventions EVER.)

Now this song is one of my new favorites, and the celebration of me just figuring out how to put youtube videos on a webpage...quite easy if you know how to copy and paste!!)

But oh my god I've been sitting at the damn computer for like 20 minutes. How time flies when you are staring into the face of cyberspace ...

I've really got to get to that homework that I've been thinking about for the past 2 1/2 hours.
...Sigh....
Thanks for reading and play my song!!! ---->

Kisses, Emily

Emotion

2007-05-18T22:45:00.000-06:00

Okay. So as an artist (okay, okay, a writer), I should love this horrible emotional restless longing that I hate undergoing.

I know, I know. Emotional teenager girl, I am. If you don't want to read it then don't. And if you do decide to read and it's shit horrible, I apologize but I feel slightly mentally unrested at the moment and therefore I cannot be trusted to construct anything worthwhile at all.

See? Did that sentence make any sense to you? Chances tell me no.

But okay. So I was saying that as a writer I should love feelings like this because it easily allows angst to become visible on the page and out of my head, but as a human being I most definitely do not like feeling like this.

If I trusted cyberspace I would post details, thereby making this post a tiny bit more interesting, but seeing as how cyberspace is a horrible, horrible, thing that claims thousands of lives a year (I know that is a dumb statistic which makes absolutely no sense and that I just made up because it sounds cool), I will not, or EVER post interesting details on this blog, thereby making it as horrible and Boring as a blog could possibly be.

Thank you and wish me luck during this unsavorable time of my emotional instability.

I'm sorry for the long words. But in a very strange and un-understandable (and yes I know that's not a word), they make me feel somewhat in control of things.

Written words are some of the best therapy I've ever come across, so que vivan las palabras.

Gracias, y hasta luego

Con amor,
Emilia

2007-05-15T21:57:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry for the surveys.
I really am.

Because unless you are one of those people who REALLY like me (a number I can probably count on, you know, one finger), surveys are really not fun to read through.
They're not.
I know it.

So I apologize. I was a little bit too bored and angsty last month and apparently lacked any sense of productivity.

But anyways.
As you can see, I am actually writing in this again. For now, at least.
I still don't know what the point of this is.
I know, waste of cyberspace.
But you see, as a(n)(aspiring) writer, I crave an audience, and at least on the internet I can fantasize that I am a wildly well-known and loved person whose blog is placed on the internet favorites list of english speakers everywhere.
I don't exactly think that is the case here but it is called dreams, damn it, and silly though they may be, aren't I not (aren't I not? okay, maybe that doesn't make sense) fully entitled to have them?

Maybe someday I will have a reader. Or two.
Maybe when I turn into a writer and find something remotely good to write about.
We. Shall. See.

But I just wanted to say here that John Green is my new favorite human being. (follow the link, if you're that slow, but you have to check this guy out)

Oh my god!! I've been sitting in front of the computer for a half an hour!! What am I thinking!! I have sleep to catch up on and homework to do!!
(For the record, May is officially the most insane month of the year.)

Goodbye nonexistant reader!! Thanks for your time and devoted appreciation!!!
*MUAH!*

soul searching

2007-04-12T10:57:00.000-06:00

*YoU*

1.FULL name:
Emily

2.nicknames:
Jo, Elmo, Fiona, and my favorite--MAJOR

3.city and state born in:
Omaha, NE

4.state you live in now:
Colorado

5.birthdate:
May 9, 1990

6.astrological sign:
Taurus

7.school:
high school

8.hobbies:
Reading, Writing, Running, Photography

9.sports that you play/enjoy:
Running, Volleyball, Swimming

10.height:
5'7"

11.weight:
around 125 at the moment

12.shoe size:
8

13.right or lefty:
Right

*WHAT*

1. What do you think of the way you look?:
Happy with it

2. What do you think about your attitude?:
Great

3. What do you think about life after death?:
Something

4. What do you think about karma?:
Yeah it's pretty true

5. What do you think about love?:
Everything

6. What do you think about fate?:
I totally believe in it. Just watch LOST and you'll see :)

7. What do you think about your self?:
Quite a lot

8. What do you tell yourself if times get hard?:
Basically to give it three days before doing something drastic.

9. What would you give your life for?:
hmm...

10. What do you think about your first love?:
ha ha... don't get me started.

11. What do you think about the first person that loved you?:
Don't know

12. What are you scared of?:
spiders

13. What was the saddest moment of your life so far?:
walking through the streets of Valencia Spain knowing that I wouldn't see "my Murcianos" for a very long time, if ever again.

14. What would life be without friends?:
Horrible

15. Without family?:
Even worse

*The Dream Side of You*

1.Do you dream a lot at night?:
Occasionally I go through dream phases, where every night is like 3 intense dreams.

2.Do you dream in black and white, or color?:
color

3.Do you remember any of your dreams?:
yes

4.Where is your dream make out spot?:
Do not have one

5.What is your dream kiss like?:
hmm...

6.What is your dream job?:
Creative Writing teacher and part time writer

7.Where is your dream house?:
I don't know

8.Where is your dream vacation?:
Spain

9.Do you believe that your dreams are a gateway to your soul?:
Most of the time

*Family*
1.Parents names:
Undisclosed

2.Do you live with both of them?:
Yes

3.Any siblings?:
10 of them, forget about the names and ages

4.Do you get along with your siblings?:
Most of them, a lot of the time (quite surprisingly)

5.Do you get along with your parents?:
At times

*Do you...*

1.Do you write in a journal or diary?:
yup

2.Do you keep an organizer?:
It's very disorganized

3.Do you believe in love at first sight?:
to some degree

4.Do you believe that every person has one soul mate:
Possibly

5.Do you believe in god?:
Absolutely

6.Do you believe in everyone (even the beyond helpless)?:
I suppose

7.Do you believe in having a good education?:
Yes, but not necessarily through schooling

8.Do you believe in horoscopes?:
Don't like to take them seriously

9.Do you believe in yourself?:
Totally

10.Do you shower daily?:
usually

11.Do you like this survey so far?:
Not really

12.Do you like the person that sent you this?:
No

13.Do you cry easily?:
No

14.Do you believe in Heaven?:
yes

15.Do you believe in hell?:
yes

16.Do you believe in reincarnation?:
no

*Favorites*

1.favorite day of the week:
Thursday and Saturday

2.favorite ice-cream:
Breyer's mint

3.favorite movies:
Pirates

4.favorite actors:
Don't care

5.favorite actresses:
Don't care

6.favorite quote:
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education" -- Mark Twain

7.favorite songs:
"Resolution" --Motion City Soundtrack

8.favorite music groups:
Motion City Soundtrack

9.favorite music singers:
Justin Pierre

10.favorite holiday:
Easter

11.favorite season:
Spring

12.favorite colors:
Green and brown

13.favorite flowers:
Roses

14.favorite book:
The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen and I Can't Tell You by Hilary Frank. Oh, and the obligatory Harry Potter series.

15.favorite school subject:
English or Spanish

*When you hear ___ you think of..*

1.Baseball:
Tommy

2.Jeff:
Missy

3.Dog:
Barkley

4.Warm apple pie:
McDonald's

5.Socks:
Calcetines

6.Fish:
Spain

7.Nail:
long

8.Amanda:
school

9.Swimming:
team

10.Bologna:
dad

11.Giant Eagle:
America

12.A nun:
Sister Patty

13.The # 69:
...

14.School:
mine

*Relationships*

1.boyfriend/girlfriend's name:
--

2.crush:
--

3.where does that special someone live?:
earth

4.things you like in the opposite sex:
confidence/craziness

5.when was your first kiss:

6.are you a virgin:
yes

7.the most romantic thing anyone has done for you was:
lol oh man

8.which is more important- personality or looks?:
personality

9.first boyfriend/girlfriend:

*Creative Q's*

1.If you had the choice to spin around the sun, or walk on the moon, which would you choose and why?:
walk the moon

2.What color do you think best describes you and why?:
brown--it looks damn good on me

3.If you could be doing anything right now, what would you be doing:
lol i thought that said WHO...i would be...sipping Starbucks and reading my book

4.Would you ever share you heart completely with someone else?
yes

If yes- who:
Don't know yet

5.Which sense could you not live without, and why?:
Oohh...hearing because I think without music, my inspiration would be very little.

6.Have you ever written on a mirror?
Yup

If so what did you write?:
My name and a smiley face

7.If you could change one thing you did in the last 24 hours, what would it be and why?:
That I want to sleep earlier...I'm totally tired today.

8.Do you prefer sleeping outside beneath the night sky, or your cozy bed indoors?:
inside

9.What is the most beautiful thing in the world?:
um..

10.Name one person whose changed your life for the better:
Brittany

11.What can someone do to you that would turn you on fully- physically or mentally- or both?:
good question

12.If you knew you were going to pass away within the next few days, what would be the last thing you say, and who would you say that to?:
That's hard to think about

13.What is one thing that can make you smile no matter what mood your in?:
lol Cinday

14.If you could meet anyone, past or present, dead or alive, who would you meet and why?:
lol probably Jesus

15.And finally, what makes you you?: this survey

If you want to know me...

2007-04-11T21:08:00.000-06:00

DIRECTIONS: Here's what you're supposed to do... and please do not spoil the fun. Hit forward, delete my answers and type in your answers. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know and send it back to me so I can see your answers. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
nope

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
hmm... one or two weeks ago

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
It's almost inelligible but I couldn't be happier with it.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
umm turkey

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Almost...I'm the oldest of 11.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Hmm...If I could escape my anti-social tendencies, I would LOVE me.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Occasionally, but I'm not very good at it.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
After a lot of screaming to myself that I would die, probably.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL(S)?
Quaker's Toasted Oatmeal--do they even make that anymore?

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Nah

12. ARE YOU STRONG?
Gettin there

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Breyer's mint chocoloate chip (It's white)

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Usually if they make eye contact or not.

15. RED OR PINK?
Pink

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Probably my shape

17. WHO OR WHAT DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Spain!!!!

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
No

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Jeans, barefoot

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Dinner

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
People preparing

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
white ... ha ha

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
The ones that remind me of Spain

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Cinday!

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Yup

27. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Basketball, volleyball,... i dunno, anything.

28. HAIR COLOR?
Red

29. EYE COLOR?
blue

30. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No

31. FAVORITE FOOD?
Chocolate

32. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Either

33. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Does LOST season 2 count?

34. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Navy

35. SUMMER OR WINTER?
summer

36. HUGS OR KISSES?
That's totally relative

37. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Cheesecake, totally

38. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND
Nadie, nobody, no one

39. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
You

40. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Stephenie Meyer's Twilight...VERY good!!

41 WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
This is called ghetto...my mouse pad is a pad of paper

42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Nothing

43. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SOUND?
High-quality piano

44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles

45. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Germany

46. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I have a passion for creative writing

47. WHERE WERE YOU BORN
Omaha, NE

48. WHO'S ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
I'm not

!!

2006-10-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

aaaaaaahhhh
ahh
aaaaaaahh
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh
ahhh
aaaahhh

total state of shock

2006-10-20T21:48:00.000-06:00

Oh my god.
Oh my god, kids.
OH MY GOOOOD!!!!!

96 dollar fine
on my library card
And they're turning me in to a collection agency

DIOS.
Excuse me, I'm hyperventilating.

Emily

Tell me we don't ROCK.

2006-10-12T20:37:00.000-06:00

Yes, we played tonight. Yes, we played amazingly well. AND YES, WE WON!!!!!!!!

Yes, I also had a coffee and two cokes today.

And yes, I am very happy. :)

Emily

Hard Love

2006-09-23T14:47:00.000-06:00

"That's really what writing is, isn't it? Searching for the magic words. So I guess I'd have to say, this is what keeps me going, figuring out what I have to say and putting it down on paper, word by word."

From Ellen Wittlinger's Hard Love

I'd also recommend this new site I found...

Livejournal Secrets

(Make sure to click on the "more" link beneath each photo.)
Pretty AMAZING stuff

--EmILiA

frustration

2006-09-14T13:40:00.000-06:00

i hate it when nothing is ever good enough

The thing about friendship...

2006-08-30T15:57:00.000-06:00

What sucks about being Emily ---
she's realized her mind, and more importantly, her heart, and what they tell her, often are not right.
So now it's really hard to tell if someone is real, or simply fucking with her mind.

Help?

EmILiA

The Raconteurs--"Steady as She Goes"

Got Anxiety?

2006-08-29T22:27:00.000-06:00

Teen Angst Central

www.tangst.blogspot.com

Send your deepest darkest secret, hope, or ANGST into cyberspace...anonymously!