Angst

I can breathe!

Time to write! At least for one night this week, I feel like I have time to relax a little bit! I've been through only two days of class this week, but I've been feeling like I've been hit by a train. This week has been nothing short of insane.

My weekend was stellar. My parents were out for the weekend and I spent most of my time driving kids around and being out of the house. My school had its Valentine's Day Dance on Saturday night, and even though I spent more time taking pictures of people dancing than actually dancing, I really enjoyed myself. (I don't dance and I do take pictures, so it was all right.) I loved my dress and I spent the night feeling generally satisfied with life.

Sunday, too, was terrific, and knowing that there was no school the next day certainly didn't dampen my high spirits.

Then Tuesday came, and within a matter of hours I was exhausted. Wednesday, it was hard to keep myself alive. I've been attempting (though definitely not succeeding) to cope with the stress of homework, tests, scholarship applications and worry of my general college future. On top of that, I've been feeling really angsty. I won't get into that here, but this week has been quite the headache.

I've been foolishly led to believe that because I've got an above-average GPA and test score, I'm smart and I can do anything.

This isn't true. I honestly can't tell you how I get A's. I know the way my mind functions--most of the time, it doesn't. I mean, I'm ditzy enough to crash my car a block a way from school so it totally blows my mind how I can be in the top 5% of my class. I've simply got a knack for memorization, which serves well on tests, and I like to read, which helps me know how to construct acceptable English sentences.

Aside from that...my God. My friend Johnny likes to shake his head sadly, saying, "Emily Major...so smart, yet so stupid."

My book smarts are basically gone, this week, though. I failed two tests today. That's a first. And ooo-wee, it hurts. This isn't even Senior-itis. It's only February and I am still plowing full speed ahead, and I plan to do so until graduation. No, I'm not getting lazy. I'm just failing.

It's been a difficult week. I've been feeling really perfectionistic (it's a word because I said so, damn it), so I've been carrying a constant headache. Then, I'm hauling around a boatload of angst for insignificant reasons, and I can't say that's very enjoyable.

Isn't senior year fun?

Not Very Much of a Day

This song is amazing.

I will always support Anna Nalick! She's got an amazing voice, and my God, can the girl write songs!

*****

Because today is President's Day, my siblings and I had the day off. I would love days off if I wasn't so unproductive. For some reason, before I have a day off of school, I develop this idea that I will be able to somehow do the things I've been putting off for weeks. It's an entire day, I think. That's time to do everything I need to do.

It would be ample time if I didn't choose to lie in bed or futz around all day. The most useful thing I did was read 40-50 pages in Dead Man Walking, which took me a lot longer than I thought it would. This book would be interesting if it wasn't so boring. What I mean by that is it's got an interesting storyline--it's about a nun who becomes spiritual adviser to men on death row. It's difficult to see how someone could read this book and still support the death penalty. It's good, but the writing itself can be confusing. The author drops in so many names and facts that I get really lost in.

I tried to commit my energy today to a workday...of course that's a really nerdy thing to do, to devote my day off to reading and scholarship applications. But it's all stuff that needs to be done, and my options today were work, or do nothing. Unfortunately, I chose to do nothing, drinking an unhealthy amount of Diet Coke in the process. Now it's all gone and I really want it. It's like a drug!

I also watched Monster-In-Law. The best thing about this movie is that Jennifer Lopez is absolutely gorgeous. (It's not fair that hair in the movies can always be so perfect.) The movie itself wasn't the best, but it was interesting enough to keep me in bed till noon today.

I can't think of anything I should write about. That's a sure sign that I should leave.

Until another time, dear readers.

Scholarly Insanity

My goodness, it's been a while.

Quite unsurprisingly, my life has been a little chaotic lately. Thankfully, I'm sure no one's really missed my blogging. Since my car crash I've gone back to school and gotten very caught up in the goings-on there. I have about 3 1/2 months left of high school, which is exciting, yet heart-breaking. This year I feel very attached to my school and many of the people in it, so the thought of leaving it can be sickening.

Then again, the thought of going to college IS exciting. Though honestly I am clueless as to what to expect. I see that as a good sign. Many times in life the things that you're really scared or clueless about end up being incredible.

I've decided on what I want to study. I'd like a double major in creative writing and journalism with a minor in education. I'd like to teach as a career and write (hopefully a lot) on the side. I don't know what that prospect is on a possibility scale, but I really want to study writing in college and I really want to teach when I grow up. I'm hoping I'll be able to combine those aspirations.

I've been thinking quite a lot about college this past week or two. I've been spending a lot of time on scholarship applications, too. I turned two in this week, which felt great. It's exciting. What's not so exciting is the rejection letters (I've gotten rejected to just about as many scholarships as I've applied to), but hopefully if I bust enough ass I'll get SOMETHING in the end. I'm going to need to stumble into a good load of money in order to go to the school I want.

Searching for scholarships, at least for me, can be kind of frustrating. I've run into a lot more scholarships for minorities and the GLBT community than scholarships I actually qualify for. It's great that organizations are reaching out and everything but there are still straight white girls like myself who struggle to find education.

It's a frustrating and rigorous process. Somehow, I'm fighting my way through.