I just can't write today.

My mind has leaped off a cliff.

Therefore: A couple of quotations instead of writing.
Because I don't want to go to bed without writing something.
And I certainly don't want to do my homework.

"We are healed of a suffering only by expressing it to the full."
--Michael Proust

"The heart was made to be broken."
--Oscar Wilde

"Where there is love, there is pain."
--Spanish proverb

"People have to really suffer before they can risk doing what they really love."
--Chuck Palahniuk

"Suffering is the true cement of love."
--Paul Sabatier

"The lower you fall, the higher you'll fly."
--Chuck Palahniuk

"We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action."
--Frank Tibbolt

"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
--Henry David Thoreau

"Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real."
--Iris Murdoch

"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation."
--George Bernard Shaw

"The future ain't what it used to be."
--Yogi Berra

Why I Suck at College

Oh, Academia...

College so far isn't particularly difficult. But I am certainly annoyed by some of it.

My creative writing class, for instance, is kind of ridiculous. I've been hinting at majoring in creative writing, though I'm not sure how good of a fit it is for me. For one thing, I usually hate poetry. I see poetry as some awful form of writing that purposefully butchers the English language and stretches metaphor to a truly agonizing level. Call me stuck up, but if one wants to write well, I think they should get a good handle on their prose. But of course that's just me. Every other English major I've met seems to be crazy about poetry. That is to say, they can write whatever the hell they want, chop it up with stanzas and line breaks, eliminate the punctuation, and call it art. I don't particularly agree with that.

I'm not sure if creative writing is my ideal major, because in all honesty, I'm not very gifted when it comes to the creativity department. I realize that could be a significant problem for a writer. How can I get anywhere with my writing if I can't make up cool stuff? The fact of the matter is, though, I don't want to make anything up. Ever since I started writing, I've been writing only of reality. I guess it goes to show how arrogant I am, because everything I've ever written has been factual events and emotion of my own life. I'm not really sure how to write anything else. Even when I'm forced to write fiction, I end up writing about my own life, just with different names.

But I want to think that's a good thing. If I don't write what I know and feel, what the hell am I supposed to write?

I'm really not sure that I belong in academia. I like college, but I hate class. I loved my past two years of high school, but I always hated the 65 minute class periods. It's funny that I have always wanted to be a teacher. I wonder -- will I end up loving my job but hating class? Is that possible?

I suppose one reason I want to teach is to create a classroom that doesn't suck so much. Class doesn't have to be the academic equivalent of hell. I know this because I have had a few teachers and classes that I like. I've encountered four or five teachers that I have adored very much. Those teachers are certainly few and far between, but there is no reason that I should not strive to emulate them and inspire others in the way that they have inspired me. For years, I have felt compelled to be a good teacher. I'd like to be able to beat around academia's bullshit and be able to affect and inspire others in a unique way. More importantly, I'd like to someday treat students as humans and not as maggots. This is why I'm deciding to drag myself through college.

I'm not on a quest to learn everything there is about this world. That's impossible, and frankly, who cares about it? I guess what I'm fascinated by is humanity. Teaching is one of the best ways I can think of to dive right into it.

It shouldn't be right, but it is.

Most of Denver is sleeping right now.

Why is it that the only time I really want to write is at 2 in the morning on a night before an 8 A.M. class? I suppose I'm so attracted to this unearthly hour because while the rest of my world is unconscious, I am wide awake and caffeinated, accomplishing productive tasks like laundry and CD burning. And blogging. There is something so brilliantly rebellious, exciting and independent about staying up this late doing little things that I want to do. My siblings are not screaming or stampeding through the house. My mother is not nagging me to get off the computer and do something useful. Nobody is calling, texting or IMing me to carry on long conversations about nothing. I am filled with caramel-flavored coffee joy. This is a perfect moment of the night. It almost doesn't matter how miserable I might feel tomorrow morning.

An Endless Habit

Oh, Yeeeah!

This is why I don't blog very often. Because it sucks! After a day of class and homework and driving all around town, it just doesn't seem like a lot of fun to sit in front of my computer at one in the morning to start writing. And then, for some reason, I end up enjoying myself.

The reason I keep a blog is this: I can never stop writing. At this point, I simply can't let myself. Not only is there not much else I can do, I love writing so much that all other crafts seem pretty lame in comparison.

I'm very happy today about my writing. Last week, I was up until two or three in the morning writing a ten minute solo performance for my theatre class. It was one of those writing pieces that I had been dreading for weeks in advance. I wished I could have signed up for one of those boring classes where you didn't have to do intense stuff like that.

Of course, that class and that writing are very important for me. So of course I despise them.

But I wrote the piece. I've performed drafts of it twice in front of my teacher, and today he complimented my writing more than I could have ever begun to hope for Then he told me seriously never to stop writing.

This makes me so happy. And I certainly plan on never, ever quitting.

Do You Mean to Tell Me She's NOT Dead???

Quite sadly, I've been absent lately.

I don't have any excuses. I give up on excuses. Nobody gets anywhere on excuses.
Okay, so maybe they do...

Bad introduction. The point is, I haven't been writing. I haven't been blogging, I haven't been journaling, I haven't been doing much of anything that involves writing at all.

I can't explain this phenomenon. Change, maybe? Because quite a few things have changed. Well, one thing is changed. And that is the fact that I am now a college student.

You may be asking, "Wow, how has your first month at DU been?"
You know what, I don't really know.
It's been good.
It's been a lot of things.
It is a lot of CRAZY and DIFFERENT things every day.
I can say that overall it is a positive experience.

I am making some friends. I am not making an entire army of pals, but I have met a few people that I genuinely like. I'm happy about that.

My classes are interesting. There are some WEIRD ASS people here.
Enough said.

I will get into specifics later, when I write more blog posts. And I promise I will do that.
And it's not even for you, it's for me. But you're welcome to come along for the ride.