Spectator of My Own Life

Random Rantings

Something I’ve kept thinking lately is that life is like a movie—we’re not writing the script so much as watching to see where it goes. There are so many unanswered questions—what is the point of this movie? Will the protagonist achieve her goals? What are the protagonist’s goals, anyways? Does she know what she’s doing? Which relationships are important? Which ones will grow? Which ones will fail? What lies ahead?

Most of the movie’s plotline is shocking and completely unpredictable. I have little control over it. I have a duty to live my own life, but I can only see where I am now; the future is completely invisible and unknown.

I’m thinking about this movie while reading through my old notebooks. Reading this shit is seriously like reading a dramatic teen angst novel. Some of the stuff I’ve written makes me happy, some makes me disgusted with myself, some even makes me cry.

And I’ve got to acknowledge that life is totally arbitrary. There’s no pattern to it. There’s no exact right way to go about doing it.

I find a lot of comfort in acknowledging that I don't know much. There's a lot in life to be surprised by; I think it's great to know that the movie doesn't stop taking twists and turns. Eventually, it should lead to a happy ending.

Back To School

After six weeks of break, it's bound to be a difficult transition.

One of the most wonderful aspects of DU is its enormous Winter Break. Students are freed from all classes before Thanksgiving and don’t come back until after New Year’s.

Those six weeks flew by much faster than I thought they would. I didn’t write much during that time, mainly because it was so wonderful. See, when I write, it’s mostly because I’m holding in some unbeatable angst or energy. I didn’t have much of that over break, so…why would I write?

I realize that’s a terrible excuse.

Anyways, after weeks of sleeping and reading and holiday parties, I’ve finally had to confront the sad reality that DU does exist. I have to start doing that awful class thing again.

School’s not actually all that bad. The worst part of it is probably just waking up in the morning. Once that’s over, the rest of my day is usually quite nice. But then I have to stay up late reading boring textbooks when I’d rather be watching a movie.

But really, I do have to admit I’m kind of glad to be back in school. It keeps me very busy, and even though I’m easily stressed, I thrive on being busy.

Plus, now I’m out, about, and walking more. Walking across campus, it turns out, does wonders in making me feel less like a worthless fat-ass. With holiday cookies and chocolate lying around everywhere tempting me relentlessly, I’ve been lugging around a depressing amount of holiday weight. So now, I’ve got to say, Thank God for that interminable walk to my car every day. At this point, it’s probably saving my life.

One thing about college though—it still makes me really nervous. I’m an absolute wreck when it comes to meeting new people. Well, actually, meeting them isn’t the problem. Making acquaintances is quite easy. It’s actually liking, and even more so, trusting them that I find to be obscenely difficult.

I’ve discovered that in new groups of people, I become extremely judgmental. I made the assumption today that my professor was inept because she used the words ‘like’ and ‘lovely’ more often than necessary. I also came to the conclusion that I don’t really like white girls (which for me is a completely ridiculous thing to say, for obvious reasons). I was mad at one of my classmates with a tired face and messy hair for being a slob, even when my own hair looked like it had recently survived a tornado or two.

So I’m not exactly the greatest people person. I’d like to become a little more personable around new people, and I may try to do that. It’s just not very easy. I’m a firm believer that the best way to make real friends is to not try to do so – to simply be one’s self. And this is me: sitting in the corner, not wanting to be bothered.

It’s amazing I have any friends at all, isn’t it?

The thing is, I love people (for the most part, anyways). I just have a terrible time interacting with them.