How to Be a Normal Human Being

I commented recently, "Sometimes I just step back and look at my life. And then I see that I am so fucked up. I'm eighteen miles away from normal."

I was with one of my best high school friends at a Village Inn at 10PM, sipping coffee and eating breakfast for dinner. He just looked at me and asked, "Well, who's normal?" and I sat there staring at him for a while.

Life isn't exactly about being normal. Or fitting in. There's not a damn person on this earth who 'fits in' with anything, because there's not anything to fit in to! What kind of human should strive to fit into human made standards?

Let's face it: We're all confused. Is there anyone alive who doesn't feel thoroughly lost in at least one aspect of their life? That's what's normal -- nobody is.

A significant part of being human is being clueless. Or confused. Or scared. And yeah, kind of fucked up. I'm pretty sure we're all that way.

And while that's certainly not ideal .. In some strange way, it kind of is. It's one big unifying factor. I suffer. My friends suffer. The guy across the street suffers. There are as many different pains as there are people on this planet, and with that, who can really be "normal?"

There's no solution to this. There's no formula for complete sense, no way of finding instant nirvana. To phrase it simply, shit happens.

But ... it can be comforting to know that every person around you is probably sorting through just as much crap as you are. You're not the only one who isn't normal.

So, maybe we should just disregard the entire concept of normalcy. Maybe the best thing to do is to simply help each other out through the chaos.

Unstoppable

I'm sure it's normal to pass through phases. A few weeks ago, for instance, I developed a mild obsession with independent coffee houses. I cursed Starbucks for its omnipresence, predictability and infuriating lack of wifi. (though I'm told that it is now available?) So, I found this Denver Coffee House Blog that introduced me to a new, fascinating and independent world of caffeine. I formed a goal of visiting every independent coffee house in Denver. But then I realized that I don't want to travel much further than my local Common Grounds. With late hours, a bustling social atmosphere, free wifi, real dishes and of course GREAT coffee, I give it A-pluses all around. My travelling coffee phase has met a quick end.

Some phases, though, I'm sure will last forever. I mean, once you've discovered the energetic joy that espresso brings, you'll probably never be able to forget it. And I expect to be spending quite a bit more time and money at Common Grounds.

But like my goal to travel the city on a caffeine high, lots of these goals and little obsessions die just as quickly as they began.

I've always loved reading. On most of my school breaks I promise myself that I'll read a few books. I remember carrying home an armful of library books for the Thanksgiving weekend, certain that I'd spend hours immersed in my precious literature. I ended up reading a few chapters.

It's really easy to get these huge blazing ideas, but rarely do I actually follow through with them.
It happens, though. I'm getting better at it. At doing things, I mean. One thing I'm discovering in college is the preciousness of time. There's so much to do that I have no choice but to spend my time doing things.

What's better is, things happen! Friends happen! Fun happens! Fights happen! Life gets hot, life gets cold, but I can't remember the last time I really had a lukewarm moment. It's thrilling.

*****

I started this entry with the intention of writing about music. And ... my words just wouldn't go in that direction. Now I'm staring at a page of these random rantings about coffee and life's temperature?

I confuse myself. But what's cool is, I teach myself when I write. I don't mean to. But sometimes I'll write something down that surprises me. Somehow, I suddenly and randomly write some profound and random little thought that I never knew I had. And then I remember it forever.

It's a win-win-win situation. The phases. The writing. The coffee shops. Life in general. And it just keeps going.

Life Gone Virtual

I think more than I should about my facebook status line.

When I have random flashes of inspiration throughout the day, I'm often tempted to run to the computer and broadcast my vitally important message to my facebook friends. Then, I have to remind myself that the majority of life -- no, the entirety of it -- lies right before my eyes and not behind my computer screen.

It's kind of sad, actually, that I pick up a good amount of my gossip from what my friends say in these daily, sometimes hourly little sentences on their facebooks.

But it's such a wonderful concept. How did our parents ever cope without it? I have a hard time understanding how they could possibly have led fulfilling young lives without knowing what that one guy from their eighth grade class did last Friday night. And how did they survive without the knowledge that their high school classmate's younger sister believes she has the BESSST MOST AMAZING BOYFRIEND in the ENTIRE WORLD!!!!!?

The internet's a beautiful thing. I just think it's disturbingly easy to hand over all your precious spare hours to looking at photos of distant friends' baby nieces or polishing up your "About Me" section. But maybe that's just me.

But I'll stop myself here. I love the internet way too much to ridicule it any longer. It's difficult to imagine a life without Wikipedia, Mapquest, Pandora, or of course those ingenious little status updates.

I just wonder what the next big thing will be ... When the internet gets old, what will my kids be wondering what I could have ever lived without? I'm almost afraid to find out.

Now You're Really Living

"I think we're more alive than everybody else," I gasped, through a fit of rampant laughter last Saturday night. My friend Brittany and I were in a McDonald's restaurant, trying to fill up our drinks, but collapsing with laughter instead. She was clutching the edge of the counter for support; I had pressed myself against the wall to keep from falling over. We could barely speak, we were laughing so hard. The reason for such wild hysterics? We'd considered ordering a "kwana-pawna" instead of a quarter pounder.

I'm sure all the restaurant workers were glancing at their watches, begging closing time to come sooner. The rest of our friends were probably sitting in silence at the table, burying their heads in their arms, ashamed to even know us.

As for Brittany and me -- Man, were we alive.

Our relationship has always been more ridiculous than anything. When we're together, we spend most of our time making up really dumb jokes and then convulsing with laughter. It's not that we're terrifically funny people; it's simply that when we're together, everything becomes funny. I can't explain exactly why.

Since we were kids, we've always made total asses of ourselves, from laughing like morons at completely inappropriate times (like during the middle of a really serious church event) to destroying other people's property (like playing "school" and filling an overhead projector with salt. Even though that was mostly you, Brittany).

We've never been anything short of completely and totally alive. This, of course, is oftentimes easier said than done. It's hard to feel things as much as you possibly can. When you laugh louder than anyone in the room you risk being seen as an obnoxious idiot. When your heart has broken, it's difficult to know if you'll ever fully recover.

But regardless, there's something liberating in feeling fully alive. Music sounds better. Writing is deeper. It becomes easier to communicate honestly with other people. You feel things. Whether it's pure pain or pure joy, you're experiencing something true, something real, and there's power in that.

For this reason, I'm grateful for crises, namely because I can look back later and say, "Oh. Good. I went through that." I'm grateful for life's occasional angst and confusion, because that terrible feeling often gives birth to real thought and even inspiration and discovery. It's life at its purest. And, of course, there are plenty of "kwana-pawnas" to enjoy along the way.

"Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough."
--William Saroyan