Attempting to Move On
After yesterday, the worst day of my entire young life (see previous entry for details), I actually drove again today. I was pretty scared. Though I must say I am trying to drive infinitely more carefully than before, knowing that it's impossible to take too many precautions.
Though I am, of course, thankful that I didn't hurt anyone yesterday, I'm wildly depressed about what happened. Until yesterday morning, my life was going amazingly well--everything for the past couple of weeks had seemed to be completely in place--I was absolutely fine with everything.
Then, of course, I come across a terrible misadventure (Knowing that it was my fault doesn't make me feel much better, either). Of course I ruin my car--how could life really be so good for so long? Part of me yesterday wanted to shake my fist at heaven screaming, "VERY FUNNY, ASSHOLE!!"
It sucks more than anything has ever sucked for me before. I guess that's not too bad, if you think about it...but all this "looking at the bright side" doesn't really change the fact that I feel like total shit.
As I was driving siblings home tonight from their school science fair, Matt Nathanson's song, "Car Crash," played on the radio. I now officially hate the guy. "I want to feel the car crash," he sings.
Idiot. You don't want to feel that kind of shit. I promise, you DON'T WANT TO FEEL ANYTHING LIKE THAT, EVER. I could barely eat or sleep yesterday. I felt really thin by the end of the day...I've discovered a foolproof way to lose weight quickly...crash your car and spend a lot of the following time in shock and depression. Your weight should drop rapidly after that.
And like I said, I couldn't sleep. I haven't had insomnia for years. I had a lot of trouble sleeping all through grade school (I worried a lot more than I should have during those long and awful years of puberty), but high school, since its inception, has generally been a haze of pure exhaustion. I can usually fall asleep any time, any place, and I can sleep through just about anything. (I've developed the ability to sleep soundly through angry loud alarm clocks, a skill that has damaged quite a lot of mornings.) So tossing and turning last night was terrible. All I could think about was my car crash.
Today was slightly better. I'm humiliated by the fact that I'm getting rides from my parents again, but I went to school with a caffeine high and I laughed my way through the morning. By the end of the school day, though, I was sick of school (It's only my first day in class in 2008, and it was a half day), and I hated myself again.
Then I got my ride home and really felt awful for a while.
God, I sound horrible. I realize I'm throwing the pity party of the year, and for that I apologize. I don't think anyone enjoys other people's bitch sessions.
I'm particularly despondent lately, though I'm pretty sure things will slide back into something of a happy life again...soon.
Really, the only thing that was really hurt in my crash (well, besides our vehicles) was my pride. And of course no one except me gives a rat's ass about my pride and self-image so I'll shut up here.
In summation, life's been pretty bad for the past two days and I've done a lot of loathing of my mistakes and of the Universe in general, but in the long run, in the ultimate scheme of things....
eh. It will all be fine.
I'm only getting one point taking off my license. I'm amazed. I think I might have been dealing with the nicest policeman in the state. I can't complain about that.
I find the whole thing ironic though, for this reason: After reading the first two books of Douglas Adam's Hitchhiker's series, I declared less than 24 hours before my accident that my new personal philosophy was "Don't Panic." (Read the books and you will understand.) I decided that "Don't Panic" is some of the most excellent advice one can take in this life, and proudly resolved to keep panic at a minimum on my part.
Then yesterday happened.
Needless to say, wild panic ensued.
I guess I'll keep trying though. What else can I do, really?
Though I am, of course, thankful that I didn't hurt anyone yesterday, I'm wildly depressed about what happened. Until yesterday morning, my life was going amazingly well--everything for the past couple of weeks had seemed to be completely in place--I was absolutely fine with everything.
Then, of course, I come across a terrible misadventure (Knowing that it was my fault doesn't make me feel much better, either). Of course I ruin my car--how could life really be so good for so long? Part of me yesterday wanted to shake my fist at heaven screaming, "VERY FUNNY, ASSHOLE!!"
It sucks more than anything has ever sucked for me before. I guess that's not too bad, if you think about it...but all this "looking at the bright side" doesn't really change the fact that I feel like total shit.
As I was driving siblings home tonight from their school science fair, Matt Nathanson's song, "Car Crash," played on the radio. I now officially hate the guy. "I want to feel the car crash," he sings.
Idiot. You don't want to feel that kind of shit. I promise, you DON'T WANT TO FEEL ANYTHING LIKE THAT, EVER. I could barely eat or sleep yesterday. I felt really thin by the end of the day...I've discovered a foolproof way to lose weight quickly...crash your car and spend a lot of the following time in shock and depression. Your weight should drop rapidly after that.
And like I said, I couldn't sleep. I haven't had insomnia for years. I had a lot of trouble sleeping all through grade school (I worried a lot more than I should have during those long and awful years of puberty), but high school, since its inception, has generally been a haze of pure exhaustion. I can usually fall asleep any time, any place, and I can sleep through just about anything. (I've developed the ability to sleep soundly through angry loud alarm clocks, a skill that has damaged quite a lot of mornings.) So tossing and turning last night was terrible. All I could think about was my car crash.
Today was slightly better. I'm humiliated by the fact that I'm getting rides from my parents again, but I went to school with a caffeine high and I laughed my way through the morning. By the end of the school day, though, I was sick of school (It's only my first day in class in 2008, and it was a half day), and I hated myself again.
Then I got my ride home and really felt awful for a while.
God, I sound horrible. I realize I'm throwing the pity party of the year, and for that I apologize. I don't think anyone enjoys other people's bitch sessions.
I'm particularly despondent lately, though I'm pretty sure things will slide back into something of a happy life again...soon.
Really, the only thing that was really hurt in my crash (well, besides our vehicles) was my pride. And of course no one except me gives a rat's ass about my pride and self-image so I'll shut up here.
In summation, life's been pretty bad for the past two days and I've done a lot of loathing of my mistakes and of the Universe in general, but in the long run, in the ultimate scheme of things....
eh. It will all be fine.
I'm only getting one point taking off my license. I'm amazed. I think I might have been dealing with the nicest policeman in the state. I can't complain about that.
I find the whole thing ironic though, for this reason: After reading the first two books of Douglas Adam's Hitchhiker's series, I declared less than 24 hours before my accident that my new personal philosophy was "Don't Panic." (Read the books and you will understand.) I decided that "Don't Panic" is some of the most excellent advice one can take in this life, and proudly resolved to keep panic at a minimum on my part.
Then yesterday happened.
Needless to say, wild panic ensued.
I guess I'll keep trying though. What else can I do, really?
No comments:
Post a Comment